Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Arranged Marriage

One of my few friends who really enjoy this topic is also one of the few people I could ever have this dialogue with. And I am talking about you Brother Ro. So this ones for you buddy.

You know, as a traditional Indian, I have given thought to the concept of arranged marriage and I have many friends who have had arranged marriages. In fact I can not think of any of my married Indian friends who actually lived with their wives prior to being married. The first time they probably shared the bed for a whole night and woke up together would probably have been on their honey moon. And as for real traditional arranged marriages they probably might never have even kissed before. And I am talking about educated people, some who have been brought up in Europe or the America’s even. I am not referring to some simple virgins from the village. How do they feel about suddenly sharing a room with this new person every night? No grace period of sleepovers, getting to know what kind of sleeping noises and movements your partner makes, amongst a host of other things I am sure.

My first worry would be snoring. I am a pretty heavy sleeper so I doubt that would be an issue to me but I know for a fact that I can bring the house down after a night of heavy drinking. So does that mean I should drink very little during my honey moon? That is kind of a problem because I am under the impression at present that I am a bit more adventurous in bed when I am tipsy. Shit, why beat around the bush, we all are!!! So if I don’t drink on my honey moon, I run the risk of scaring my spouse with boring sex and if I do drink I might send her running while I snore away in bed. This seems like a lose–lose scenario to me.

If I had never slept nor had sex with my new wife before, I imagine this would also be a pretty intense issue to deal with on the honey moon. Now personally I do not foresee myself having this problem as I could never have a traditional arranged married, but again I do have friends who have done this. They have “dated” their fiancés after being arranged and maybe have done some petting but in most cases the couple are from different countries so they have not really had a chance to get physical till the honey moon. There you are on your honey moon, on some beach in Fiji or some romantic city in Europe and this is the best time and place to get jiggy with it, but isn’t it better to get to know your partner intimately before making love? I mean I could not just jump on my WIFE and go at it on the first night. It would not feel right. But you are working against the clock here because in 2 weeks time you will be back living in your parent’s house where you will probably have to have the most silent sex of your life for the next year to come at least. No moaning or slamming head boards. Just plain old, get me off so I can go to sleep, missionary sex. That’s a wasted vacation right there if you ask me, and also a fucking expensive one. After the BLINGED out hotels on a honey moon, most future vacations will probably be spent at bed and breakfasts!!

I guess most little quirks and habits will arise during the first few years of a marriage and they will be dealt with accordingly. This is pretty much how I have experienced relationships anyways, and in many cases, couples in arranged marriages are more accepting because they do not have too many expectations. Many long term relationship marriages fall apart because of how people change after marriage and the spouses are not as accepting as they have known this person to be more open-minded, or more liberal, or vice versa, for years before.

The main thing that I would dread having to deal with though, and this is my main peeve, is the morning after. Not the emotions or anything like that, but using the bathroom. Here you are with a person, even if you have been dating for months or even years, it is unlikely that you have ever had to take a mad dump in the bathroom that she/he will have to walk into as soon as you get out. I know personally, even when I have lived with my girl friends; I usually wait till I am home alone to pinch a serious loaf. But I am a realist and over some months I might be able to walk out of the bathroom and throw some humor on the subject by saying something like, “Hot damn, don’t nobody go in there for 30-45 minutes”. Or on a really bad shit day one might just lay in bed complaining how sick one is therefore distracting the shock of a nasty smelling bathroom with concern for ones well being. But you can’t be sick every gad damned day.

On your honey moon what do you do though? You might be able to hold it in for a few days and maybe even stick to using public toilets to do the nasty, but you would have to be careful not be create suspicion. Maybe just split up in a mall or airport to do “some shopping”, for 45 minutes. You might even be able to regulate your movements to odd hours like 4am-5am. But you would have to turn on the shower and faucet to cover up any of those loud farts that would otherwise echo through the hotel bathroom. It might even be a good idea to catch a shower right after taking a shit, leaving the bathroom smelling fresh and fruity (fruity soap, big plus), then you can even give your partner some good morning sex when you get out feeling revitalized and hopefully a few pounds lighter.

The best method I can think of is the stereo in the bathroom. If you always have one in there, jamming really loud tunes, then no one on the outside can ever know for a fact what you are really up to, giving you the freedom to grunt as loud as you need to. And we all know that sometimes, you NEED to. Something to keep in mind though is your choice of music. It very important not to have any classical music, you need something loud and heavy to cover up all your noise. Some rock music might do the trick but you will have to screen all tracks first because some classics tend to get really loud then suddenly drop away into a whisper. If that catches you off guard you might find your self in a compromising position. Hardcore techno drum and bass is usually a good way to go, or EMINEM. The latter can also be motivational for a good movement. On a honey moon, be sure to take your ipod and speakers along, and also DO NOT forget to create your shit time play list under some code name, well in advance, having screened all tracks first.

Honestly though people, this is stuff we all have to deal with on a daily basis, so let’s just love one another and not be too judgmental when your significant other lets a bad one rip. Don’t be shy LAH!!! If you need to need to take a dump then just get up and say, “Oh, I think the turtles head is popping out sweetheart”.


Sir Irafath said...

Mr. Avi,

This post has little to do with arranged marriages, or marriage for that matter. I do not see point of title. At first i started reading it thinking you were planning to discuss your experience with arranged marriage and later realized you using it as opportunity to discuss your dirty habits. You very crude man Mr. Avi. Your post is deceiving.

mogs said...


I don't know how you can hold it for a few days during your honeymoon. That can't be too healthy for your insides brah. Imagine the bombs that you're gonna be releasing during those days of restraint. Infact, the first thing that comes to mind once I arise for the day is bowel movement. It's really one of the highlights of my day. The loo is a place of refuge and safety. When I'm sitting on the potty, I'm almost totally relaxed...away from the hustle and bustle of the reality that awaits. It's a place where you can be yourself...where you take off the mask and let go.

AmitD said...

haha Mr Irafath has a point... (i refuse to call anybody sir) from arranged marriage you diverted seriously to talking bout takin a shit with your significant other threatening to ram down the door and take a big whiff of your big boys floating below you. Now i know for a fact that my significant other will pretty much get sick every monrning if she goes in after me so that cannot be helped. another thing you can pray for is to find somebody who stinks more than you!! then you can just chook her well well to hide teh nasty shit you dumpin every hour of everyday! girls do fart and shit too people and i am sure their shit stink too.....
'nuff said.

Anonymous said...

irafath one more stupid comment u give on this website u gonna get fucked up..im gonna find u and beat ur ass

Avi said...

You know, I was not sure what title to give this article when I put it up. I thought about "Romance and Shitting" but that would have taken the punch out of it. Also I could not con unsespecting vistors into reading it.

Irafath: You think shitting is a dirty habit? Thats just ignorant man. Picking your nose in public is a dirty habit.

Ro: I know how much you treasure downloading and that is why this post was dedicated to you my friend. Now we can look at the pictures of the food and think about uploading.

Amit: I lived with you for a year... I KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO USE THE COMODE AFTER YOU! And I will confirm that some hot chicks can lay some pretty nasty turds.

AmitD said...

Damn straight dawg... my house becomes a toxic wasteland every morning so anybody living with me better get some heavy duty life insurance!!!