Cleavage-Ingations

*More insights long overdue, courtesy of my good friend Gonzo. As usual all discrepancies and warnings apply. Ben Harper put it best when he sang, ‘If you don’t like my fire, then don’t come around, I’m gonna burn one down’. And he loves feedback.

I can imagine what a stir it must have created in the 1800’s when women started to wear low cut gowns and extremely tight bustier to enhance their cleavage. I find the aged fashion to be quite provocative and even when I see women wearing them today in movies or in renaissance artwork I get excited. It is no secret that all men love mammary glands and just getting a passing glance of what is packed away behind that tight blouse is dreadfully arousing. These days however female icons leave nothing if anything to the imagination. Cleavage that was once alluring and mystical has now become common and boring.

Not only do most women at clubs or events these days have their breasts pushed halfway up to their chins, they also buy gadgets and gimmicks that cause their breasts to appear 4 times larger then they actually are. Now I am not a guy who only lusts for ladies with large breasts, in fact I shall confess here and now that I love all tits, each and every single one of them. But I do not get particularly stimulated by a set of silicon puppies staring up at me from behind a blouse. As far as I am concerned, excessively revealing clothing and overuse of low cut blouses has bastardized cleavage.

In the early 2000’s a new trend erupted that evoked a thrill once again when Gwen Stefani influenced young women to slightly expose their underwear over the top hem of their low rider jeans. For a while that hint of a pink thong or lace panty was just what women needed to maintain their edge, to suggest sexuality.

But once again the masses took the idea and pushed it over the edge. Before long I could tell exactly what color, brand, and style of underwear a girl was wearing from 20 feet away in a crowded club. From 3 feet away I could tell how worn the fabric was and probably the last time they were washed. Not pleasant, I know.

With skirts getting higher cut and blouses getting lower cut one is forced to wonder what will be next to go. What will be the next big thing? They can’t make the base hem of a skirt any higher so make the waist band lower I figure. First the jeans were just getting low cut in the front revealing a woman’s pelvic bones and eventually you could even catch a six o’clock shadow between her belly button and jeans button. That was not enough so they started carving away at the back of the jeans and viola, ASS CLEAVAGE was born.

Ass cleavage is nothing new, if you look back at old paintings you can see how artists already were already infatuated by the nape of a woman’s buttocks. But that was something that was revealed only in nude art and as far as I know, exhibition of a woman’s posterior was reserved for her husband or lover. The back in general, not just the bum is extremely sensual, sexual, and provocative. Samuel Jackson in Pulp Fiction declares that giving a woman a good foot massage is as suggestive as playing with her ‘holiest of hollies’. I believe a good back massage could get you a lot further and applying gentle pleasure to the top of the butt cheeks can be exceedingly congenial. This section of a female’s anatomy evidently was quite venerated.

In more recent times the penny slot, or the plumbers crack, as ass cleavage is also referred to, was the sign of a working man, and has rarely if ever in popular culture been associated with hot chicks. I seem to have missed the gravy train on this one and just did not see it coming though. It seems like every where I go now there is an ass crack staring up at me, weather it is in some magazine or just riding on the subway. All of a sudden the trade mark characteristic of my favorite TV dad is now supposed to be sexy?

I probably have a greater weakness for a healthy woman’s arse than most average guys and some might presume that I would be gratified that women are proudly bearing their ASSets for all to see. But no, I am not happy with this now development in fashion. I have always been more intrigued by the suggestion of mischief as opposed to the actual act of it. By bringing everything into the open before the game begins just rids the need for foreplay. And I like foreplay. There has to be more of a goal then just spreading a woman’s legs and diving in, and I am not referring to situations that are driven by emotional needs here. As usual my observations are only in reference to a sexual nature. With fashion designs going the way they are, whet more is left to the imagination? The nipples, vagina, and asshole!? Next thing you know there will be clothes that cover up every part of the body except those 3 areas. This design is actually patented here…

I am not saying that the nape of a woman’s butt crack peaking over her panties is not sexy. I think it is extremely sexy. Hell, it is fucking bind blowing. But when my secretary comes into work wearing hipster jeans and I am forced to notice her penny slot as she bends over to grab some paper from underneath the copy machine, I get disturbed damit! And when I walk down the street and see a group of young 16 year olds flashing half their butt crack for the world to see it just creeps me out. But if I come home and see my lady waiting at the front door for me like this, that’s a whole nother story mate.

She Licked My Chocolate Spider

*Warning! This is not a post about candy or arachnids. If you have any common sense you will stop reading now.

I got a call from my buddy Gonzo last night and the first thing he says to me is, ‘She licked my chocolate spider’. I asked ‘What’? And he repeated, ‘Bubbles. She licked my chocolate spider dude’. I was not at liberty to talk at that particular moment in time because I was with some clients but I was left wondering all night what crazy candy fetish Bubbles has worked on Gonzo now. This afternoon I checked out what the chocolate spider is on Urban Dictionary. I was unpleasantly surprised to find that the chocolate spider is a term used to refer to the anus, otherwise commonly known as the asshole. I think I might have actually said the words ‘chocolate spider’ in front of my clients!!! But once again I have my man Gonzo to thank for educating me. It also seems not only do we have chocolate spiders; we also have caramel and vanilla spiders, the later having gone through some bleaching process, and I am guessing after some serious anal pounding we might even have a strawberry spider?

Since when is ass on the menu? I was just getting used to the fact that some chicks are into anal sex and now this? I am not going to act all naïve here though. I have seen anal fellatio performed in some porno flicks but then again I have also seen women fornicating with farm animals in some porno films. That just does not make it right I tell you. Granted the term ‘chocolate spider’ makes the act sound a lot more endearing than it is but really, it is licking an ass hole, an orphus from which the human body excretes waste. Then again I could also be referring to some peoples mouths. Let’s call it physical waste. This can not possibly be healthy.

I have outlined in my Blowjob Tips what I consider to be proper protocol concerning kissing after oral sex but this isn’t just a different ball park here; it’s a whole new game. There is no way in hell I could kiss a girl, no matter how much I love her, after she has put face to ass on me. And there is also no way I could ever imagine licking anyone’s chocolate, vanilla, caramel, or strawberry spider. Maybe once or twice while I was drunk and fumbling around in the dark trying to eat pussy I might have even gotten close but that does not count. Ignorance is bliss.

I might not be as adventurous as Gonzo but I am no prude either. I will admit that anal stimulation is invigorating and by that I mean some gentle stroking with a slippery finger or even mild insertion. Very mild insertion accompanied by a good blowjob. I can also imagine how titillating a flicking tongue would be on an area as sensitive as the butt hole but I do not know how comfortable I would be with the whole set up. What if she surfaced wearing a Dirty Sanchez? Could I still respect her in the morning? Does a guy just lay there with his legs up in the air like a baby or does he squat over her face, or vice versa of course.

Gonzo has proven once again that I am not as sexually liberated as he is. All I can do for now is wish him and Bubbles all the safe sex and freaky adventures possible, for me to write about. Maybe one day I will also find my Bubbles who will teach me how to fornicate like a pretzel and have orgasms on a planetary scale. Till then it’s just me and my right hand, alone in China.

Gonzo and the Bubble Butt Pop Rocks

***I spoke with Gonzo on the phone this weekend and he told me about a wild experience he had. I convinced him to write about it. Even I am sick of reading about traveling and it’s about time for some twisted tales. Once again I will warn you in advance that this content is of an adult nature and if you find that kind of stuff offensive, don’t fucking read it. I had some cool pictures to go with this but Blogger is acting the fool again.

Jakarta just is not the same without Avi. Now that most of our mates are married and settling down I suddenly find myself alone. Although I love to roll around the haystack just as much as the next guy, I have never really been one for relationships. I like to keep my affiliation with women strictly plutonic and void of any serious sentiment or commitment whatsoever. Booty calls these days conversely have become few and far between ultimately resulting in my domestication. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, Gonzo has a girlfriend. Most have said they would never see the day and that hell would surly freeze over before I begin to settle down but that day has finally come, and I am committed to making this work. I still do not believe in the institution of marriage and that will not change anytime soon but I think this chick might be a keeper, and I owe it all to Pop Rocks.

Bubbles is an Indonesian/Caucasian girl but I am positive she got some Latina or African heritage in her because only they got ass like this. I mean her butt is firm and round! That is what had me form the get go. I only met her about 2 months ago and when I saw her grooving on the dance floor in those tight low cut jeans I nearly creamed myself. Not only does Bubbles have the goods, she knows how to use them as well. She has not got much going on in the chest area but that’s fine by me. I am a total ass man my self. In the facial features department Bubbles is surly not a perfect 10. In fact I would probably say she is a 5, but she makes up for that with her sharp wit and cocky personality. And when a girl has an as like hers, she can even afford to look like Nick Nolte.

It took me about 2 weeks to get into her game and since then things have been spiffy. I am a total freak in bed and I love to explore every fetish that comes to mind just for the sake of it. I have scared off some more timid women in the past and although I would consider myself experienced I will also be the first to admit that I have not tried nearly as much stuff as I would like to. This is partially due to the fact there have been a lack of willing participants to play my games and I even though I do not think there is anything wrong with consensual prostitution, I do not partake in the activity. I did not think I would meet a girl in Indo that could educate me sexually but so far Bubbles has blown my mind. I don’t know what websites she has been surfing or movies she has been watching but she is seriously talented and adventurous. She actually initiates role play when I come over and has even introduced some kinky toys into the mix. I have usually filled the role of the dominating partner in most of my relationships till now but somehow Bubbles has managed to slip into the driver’s seat. And I dig it.

So last week I roll over to her house and as soon as I walk in she treats me like a total stranger and leads me into the bathroom where she proceeds to undress me and then shower me. I played along and kept my hands to my self. It was a slow long shower and I all I really had to do was stand there because she had all bases covered. She then took me to her bedroom where she had lit some candles and had sensuous music playing. Bubbles laid me face down on her bed and proceeded to give me the most amazing massage I have had to date using a variety of tools like a fur glove, a plastic thing with balls on it, and finally some warm fruit scented oil. I will spare you the rest of the kinky details but I will say that as she moved down my body things got more and more interesting.

I LOVE a good blowjob and any man straight or gay who says he does not is a fucking liar. There are good blow jobs and bad blow jobs and if I am not mistaken Avi has written something about it. Place link here. Bubbles has redefined the blowjob for me. She started to give me head with warm water then with ice cubes in her mouth and even some peppermint concoction, all of which I have experienced before. It was mind-blowing, but what she did next was fucking revolutionary. She reached over to her night stand where she pulled out a packet of Pop Rocks candy. I looked at her bewildered and she just giggled. She sprinkled the candy over my balls which were already slightly moist and it began to crackle. She immediately commenced to lick and suck my balls which created an unbelievable sensation. Bubbles then ingested a mouthful of the Pop Rocks and started to suck my dick moving up and down the shaft. The snap, crackle, and pop effect created by the candy left the impression that I was being blown by a firecracker. It was sort of like a tickling sensation combined with small nibbles and bites. I closed my eyes and felt as if I was an enormous being floating through a field of stars, each of them being drawn to my groin like it was the vortex and upon contact each star exploded into some sort of supernova.

I think I am in love. I have heard people profess that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but it is apparent that the path to mine lies between my legs. By the time I came I felt like I was imploding rather than exploding. I must have been making some stupid ass fuck faces but I was out of control. I was having some sort of outer body experience. My body was shaking and quivering like a crack fiend in withdrawal. Bubbles has enlightened me and imparted me with wisdom beyond my wildest imagination. I am born again. Could this be Tantric Sex? Later that night I gave Bubbles my own version of the Pop Rock treatment which we both enjoyed. Then we fell asleep in each others arms and I had the sweetest dreams I can ever remember having.

The reason I am sharing this experience with all of you is so that you can also benefit from what I have learned. Award yourselves and your loved ones with the Pop Rock experience and let’s make this world a better place. Avi and others who know me will testify that I have never had such a positive outlook on the future but this one incident has modified me. Gonzo has been domesticated.

Bust A Nut

***I had a pretty crazy weekend and I have been a bit too tied up with work as well. So my man Gonzo came through with an awesome post for me today. Once again I will warn you that if you are easily offended by sexual content then look away!!! Personally I totally feel this and I would like to know what you think. Apart from a few spelling mistakes it is magnificently written, in my opinion. The pictures are of course my personal touch. Mahalo.

I got home last Thursday, filled to the brim with negative energy and frustration from the week past. I had been running all over town doing work that my team should have been able to handle but those fuckers have been thinking as straight as rollercoaster’s these last few weeks. By Friday morning I woke up with the realization that if I did not blow off some steam this weekend I could run the risk of biting some innocent secretary’s head off for putting too much sugar in my coffee or worse yet, wearing a yellow shirt. I do not like yellow shirts. So before even heading to the office that day, I made a firm decision that I need to laid, TODAY!

By 12 pm my mind started wandering. Who should I make the trusted booty call to? Considering I have been too busy to play the fields recently, my options were slim. I drafted a real classy SMS that was a clear invitation for some Friday night fun but just humorously suggested some kinky fornication. I hit it out to all the potential in my phone book. Most of the numbers were no longer existent, some just did not respond, and others were busy with other plans. There were a couple of chicks who even called me back just to cuss me out and remind me how I cheated on them with their best friends. Needless to say, I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. I felt like Freddy Mercury looking for ‘Somebody to Love’.

There was one chick I did not approach. She would be a sure thing. I probably would not even have to buy her dinner before she would ravage me with her lustful lips. This girl has ass from here to yesterday, a firm stomach, perky tits, juicy lips, long legs, and eyes to die for. But behind those eyes lives the most twisted brain on the planet. This chick is ‘Fatal Attraction’ times 10. After a few drinks she is capable of parking her car in front of your house or apartment with her hand glued to the horn and Alanis Morissette blasting on her stereo. She WILL remind you of the mess you left when you went away. I could not be crawling back to this hell I just barley escaped from a few years ago. I had to move house just to get her off my case. I kept deleting her number from my phone for this very reason but I ran into her a month ago and she put it back on there.

I went for it. Fuck the consequences. I needed to be sucked, fucked, and juiced. I told her I would pick her up at 9.30. I was not sure if I could bring her home but the company has an open suite at the Le Meriden so I figured a few drinks at Tiga Puluh and I could be raped and home in time to catch the morning news. To be honest, by 3 pm I was pretty excited. I kept imaging how the scene would go down and how I would take her and how she would take me. I breezed through the rest of the day with a stupid smile on my face like an ignorant lamb being lead to the slaughter house.

I got home at about 6.30 and fixed my self a drink. Screwdrivers are my poison of choice. Some soft music playing in the back ground, by AC on full blast, I took advantage of my privacy and began to prepare my self for the up coming attraction. I shaved my face, then my privates. This chick loves fallacio so I wanted to get all the floss out of the way and let her have a field day on an open laying field. I also trimmed down my chest hair and cut my finger and toe nails. I even clipped my nose and ear hair. It had been a while since I had gotten laid and it would be a while till I did again so I wanted to cover all my bases.

It must have been 8 when I jumped in the shower. I was washing up real good and with the thoughts I had been having all day it is pretty obvious that I was rooting. I had a full blown steamer in my hands. I figured that I might as well off load one round before the big game. I don’t want to cream my pants as soon as she drops her top and it was a possibility because I was raring to go. I took my time, eyes closed, facing away from the shower with the hot water steaming down my back. I was well lathered up with soap so I closed my eyes and let my imagination run wild while Anjali (my right hand) did her thing.

After a few minutes (might have been only 2) I felt my knees start to loosen up and go week. My body trembled and I busted my nut all over the place. It felt awesome. My whole body shook, I gripped the walls, and I was gasping for air. I think I even moaned!!! I know this might be disturbing for some of you to read but hang in here with me. I had one of the best orgasms I had in a while. I was on some sort of a transcendental Karma Surtra plain while I finished my shower and dried up. My mind was void of thought. With my towel wrapped around my waist I inched towards my couch and dropped into it letting out a deep breath. I was coming back to my senses.

The world seemed like a new place to me. Suddenly I realized what I was about to do. I could not believe how close I was to actually hooking up with that psycho bitch again!!! It was as if that pent up jizz had somehow blocked up my rational thought process and I was unable to distinguish the thin line that separates pleasure and agonizing pain. I was about to risk my sanity for 30 seconds of an orgasm, and once I cleansed my doors of perception, I was able to see things as they truly are, infinite.

That one act of self satisfaction altered my future in more ways than you can possibly comprehend. I cancelled my rendezvous with sister death and spent the night at home watching movies and had an extremely productive Saturday. Had I proceeded with my previous agenda I might at this very moment be in a hospital, police station, or worse yet, witness protection program. It would be the only way to hide from that she wolf. The influence a simple orgasm could have upon my judgment capabilities caught me completely off guard. The shift in thought was not even transitional, it was instant. The thoughts did not even stir in my mind, it was as if I was struck in my forehead by a silver bullet and immediately enlightened. I felt like a sage meditating under a tree in the forest that has suddenly discovered the meaning of life.

If I could constantly live in that post orgasmic state, I would never be forced to make decisions or act as a result of fear, lust, or greed. I could be the most harmonious and successful business man in the world. This revelation is the basis of my up coming manifesto. I will be the next Jerry McGuire, but in real life. The Carl Marx of masturbation. Wank and set your mind free. Backed up sperm is the opiate of the masses I tell you! My ideas are still jumbled in my head and it will take some time before I can pen them all so don’t run to Aksara just yet.

I decided to put my theory to test this morning. I was faced with a crucial decision as soon as I got to work this morning. My expert judgment would be the difference between whether we secure the contract for this gigantic client for another 2 years or weather we loose them to the competition. I was caught off guard and did not know what calls to make. I sat behind my desk waiting for some inspiration to strike me like a lighting bolt from God when I remembered that I now have the power. I strolled into my private bathroom, dropped my pants, closed my eyes, and pictured Angelina Jolie beckoning me. Within a few minutes I busted my nut again carefully making sure I did not get any on my grey suit. I cleaned up and repositioned my self behind my desk. Within minutes logical and original ideas flowed through my brain like electricity on crack. Yes, I said electricity on crack!!! I moved over my desk like Alicia Keys over a piano, shifting papers, taking notes, and making calls. Within minutes I sealed the deal and I am now sitting back composing this post for Indo Dreamin’.

After this I am drafting a plan to redesign my office space. We have a ‘Think Tank’ where I send my creative team to come up with new idea. It is fitted with games, books, music, and simulative art work. The room name is now going to be changed to the ‘Wank Tank’. I will stock it with the latest pornographic literature and film. There will be toys and apparel to satisfy every imaginable fetish and ample disposable cum rags to clean up the pearl jam. I believe this change will bring about a new era in my firm and possibly the whole field of business management! I could do for creative firms what Steve Jobs did for Apple. Before every board meeting we will all retreat to our cubicles to clear our minds and allow ‘pure thought’ to flow though our boardroom. The thought of this new era excites me. I feel ready to face the brave new world, one tug at a time. Holla back if you feel me!!!

Blowjob Tips

***If the title did not already enlighten you, this post is filled with what some might consider to be obscenities and vulgarities. It is intended for open-minded readers who are eager to learn. However I can not take credit for this effort as it was composed by my good friend Gonzo. He has recently been frustrated by the kosher and conservative content of my blog. Indo Dreamin’ was also supposed to be a place for experimental writing as well as a travel log but it has somehow lacked in that area recently. You have been warned in advance. All photos are courtesy of Beautiful Agony.

Being a heterosexual male I have gone down on my fair share of women. Some ignorant guys think that it’s degrading to orally satisfy a woman, as is demonstrated in numerous TV shows like The Sopranos. There are still guys like that out there. I just do not get it. Muff diving can be a very enjoyable pastime when performed correctly and it is sometimes the only way to bring a stubborn clitoris into a full blown, 9 on the Richter scale, orgasm. And we all know that sex is not just about receiving but ultimately about giving.



For some reason I feel that there is currently more importance being placed on the elusive female orgasm than there was say, 15 years ago. A couple of influencing factors could be that women are more empowered now then they were 15 years ago, or it could have something to do with more sensitive males. There were no metrosexuals back in the day. Maybe society is just more open minded now with the effects of the media. Shows like Sex in the City and The L Word have somewhat broadened our horizons regarding life and sex.

I know for a fact that many guys now actually probe websites just to figure out how to satisfy a woman. The vagina is an extremely complex organ I tell you. It has so many moving parts and erogenous zones. Even with a detailed map in hand most guys could not find their way around there. And you know how we are about stopping and asking for directions. But like I said, times are changing and most men want to know how to make their lady happy and will go to great lengths to find out how. Ladies… As a gender, WE CARE.

So with that being said, let me get down to what this post is really all about. Blowjobs. It is a common misconception that continues to survive, that all you need to do is stroke a guy a bit, stick his dick in your mouth or any other warm moist place and he will be completely satisfied. Most guys are thinking, ‘stick a beer in my hand, turn on the TV, and life could not get better’. But the truth is ladies, we are also evolving. Just as our simple stick and thrust method is no longer satisfying your needs; your effortless blowjobs just do not cut the bill. A few minutes of bopping your heads up and down in our groins followed by penetration is just not enough damit!

Granted, the penis is a fairly simple organ compared to the vagina. A long shaft with no moving parts it may seem. No folds or soft warm fleshy areas. I mean you don’t need a map or a website to figure this out. Well, apparently you do, so I am taking time out of my hectic schedule to fill you in.

Let me break it down. We have testicles. 2 ping pong like spheres in a silky smooth sack. The next time you are giving your man some head, do not be afraid to reach up and tickle his love nuts. I assure you he will thoroughly enjoy this pleasant surprise. You can practice with these Zen Meditation Balls. And if you read about Zen Balls you would know that fondling balls does have health benefits (it improves blood circulation amongst other things). A little bit of a squeeze here and there might be stimulating for some but remember these are called the family jewels for a reason so treat them with TLC. Some girls actually take the entire ball into their mouths. This can cause some very mixed sensations of pain and pleasure. It does involve a lot of intimacy to get into this but it is worth it.

Girls, I am handing you diamonds here so you should take this very seriously. Now that you have your man aroused it is time to blow. Wrapping your lips around a cock and moving your head up and down does not constitute as a blowjob. You need to incorporate your tongue. Don’t be shy. Think of the penis as a scoop of ice cream and treat it as such, moving up and down along the shaft. And if you like nuts on your ice cream that’s all the better, give them a lick too. You are guaranteed to titillate your man. Do not just stick his dick in our mouth. Tease him.

Of course most guys would enjoy a deep throat when the woman can actually swallow up the entire penis in her mouth by loosening up her throat. Unless he has a really small dick or you are a total porn star, that is not likely to work for you. This would normally cause a gag reflex and it takes time to acquire a skill like this. And we understand that. We are sensitive. If you can not take it all then you can incorporate your hands into the mix by stroking the base of the penis, otherwise know as the 5 hidden inches, while you orally manipulate the head. These are both sensitive areas. Gentle licking and blowing can really drive a guy crazy. ‘No Teeth’ is also another common misconception. A little bit of scraping on the tip of the head can also be quite arousing. Just a little bit.

I am an advocate of safe sex. Some people require a condom to perform oral sex. Personally I do not see the point. It is like going swimming in a dry suit, and in the immortal words of Bob Marley, ‘Don’t jump in the water if you can’t swim’. Flavored condoms taste like shit. And I know this first hand… Why? My curiosity got the best of me. Dick could not possibly taste any worse than that freaky stuff. And if you want a strawberry or a banana go to the fucking supermarket. You don’t see us guys slapping a sheet of cling wrap covered in fruit juice all over your pussy before we get busy. It kills the moment and the sensation. Yes, some whipped cream and chocolate sauce, or a glass of JD on the rocks can enhance the experience, but nothing to totally extinguish the existing textures and flavors should be incorporated. Ice works goooood.

Be creative and communicate. There should be some eye contact, some moaning, and your guy should validate and reinforce your efforts telling you what is feeling good and what does not. It is a learning process and each individual is different. Even while you are working on his shaft allow a free hand to massage his nuts or even reach up and twist a nipple. Find your sensitive spots and get creative. A good blow job should last for 20 to 30 minutes.

With all that being said, you should be able to make your man bust his load quite easily. But the ever tricky issue still persists. Or does it? The answer is clear and simple and the question should never have been raised in the first place. SWALLOW! Some sources say that ingesting semen has no advantageous effects while others point out numerous benefits, such as this source here. You can accept whichever opinion you choose to but the fact remains that there are no drawbacks or harmful effects. Get over it ladies, its only protein.

The sensation a man experiences when you blow him to the point of ejaculation and then continue to suck his penis is indescribable in words. He could thrust around like a young woman reaching her first climax. It would put you in control ladies!!! When performed correctly, this act would bring a man to his knees. He will not be able to walk for hours. And at the end of the day do we not all want to satisfy our partners? What is wrong with giving? So armed with this information, please pay a visit to your loved one and show him the time of his life. Just walk in, push him down on his couch. No words need be spoken, and give him the ride of his life.

And I almost forgot. When you are done, do not forget slide straight up to his face and give him the biggest and juiciest kiss you can muster from your tired and aching jaws. Because if the he can not kiss you in the mouth after what you just did for him, then the son of a bitch does not deserve it.

Tech Guide to Waxing Dolphins

This blog has been clean and serious for way too fucking long. Bismilah, the undersexed lout, has been hogging the ball and it is time to let ME, Gonzo back into the game. As you know I am a straight talking son of a bitch who brings it to you like it is. So if you can’t take the heat, you best step out of the kitchen. Consider that your disclaimer.

I came across this site, which amongst other things, gives various descriptions of how to give good hand jobs to guys. Now as a man, I can testify that some women just don’t know how to slap the salami. And the only thing worse than no hand job, is a bad hand job. And I can’t really blame them because they don’t have a shlong. Except for that one in Bangkok, but it was dark and I was drunk. I am pretty sure that women would say most men can’t ‘hit the spot’ either, even if you gave them a map. I have had women try to signal me in with flares and glow sticks but some times you just can’t get into the groove you know. That sort of attention really requires an open and brutally honest line of communication that some couples are just not able to share. I guess that is why some people just rather be fags and not have to go through the whole explanation process.

The author, Brooks Peters, takes his time to explain the male sexual region and point out the more sensitive zones for the benefit of the ‘wankers’ and also the ‘wankees’. He does this in his own unique way, but where he really out does himself is with his breakdown of ‘techniques’. Here are a few I found…… Intriguing and yet slight disturbing.

DOUBLE WHAMMY
How about going double or nothing! Bring both well-lubricated hands down on his shaft. Some cocks are so big they require both hands. If your partner's doesn't, then use the other hand to caress and lightly flutter his balls, or tighten around the base of his shaft. If both hands fit along the length of the shaft, move then together, up and down, in the typical pumping motion. Pretend you're holding a baseball bat and are about to score a grand slam. You can also vary the directions of your hands, one up, one down at the same time. There's no doubt that two hands are better than one.

The analogy of my cock being a baseball bat hitting a grand slam does not really rest easy with me. But you must admit that it is pleasurable to have your balls ‘fluttered’.

THE SHUTTLE COCK
Not many people have heard of the "shuttle cock," but it's one of the best. Take the penis in both hands, fingers lightly touching the sides of the shaft. In order to visualize the position, think of yourself holding a clarinet. Now flick the penis back and forth between your two hands by holding on to the loose skin of the shaft. Shuttling it back and forth in this manner may not seem incredibly thrilling to him at first, but pretty soon, as it builds up momentum, it will drive him out of his mind. Orgasms encountered via this method are sometimes messy, but always memorable.

I have never heard of this and I honestly do find it hard to imagine. But for the more adventurous of us, WHY NOT!? It can’t possibly be THAT messy…

THE FLAME
Place your hands down on either side, your fingers pointing away from the cock. Pretend you're a campfire girl and start spinning his pecker like a stick of wood. This way you'll keep the home fires burning for a long time to come.

This just sounds scary. What if your dick actually goes up in flames? Also I would really have to trust a woman to let her go wild on my toy like that. A little too much torque and she could twist the poor bastard right off.

THE LOVE TUG
As you are stroking him, lightly pull on the wispy strands of pubic hair sprouting from his testicles. Don't pull so hard that you remove them, but tease them gently, lovingly. This will make him holler with delight and awe at your inventiveness.

Kind of masochistic if you ask me. And you can’t really do this if you took my advice and trimmed your bushes. You know there is nothing like a smooth nut sack.

THE PALM SWIRL
Use your open palm to swirl around the head, the way your tongue would lick an ice cream cone. This sensitizes the head, and will make it get larger and turn (even more) red. Try reversing direction for a surprise.

This one actually sounds good though. I can’t wait to find out what the surprise is.

All jokes aside, in the current climate we live in, nothing is more essential to practice then safe sex. It’s either that or no sex. And I am certain none of us prefer the latter. A document such as this should be part of 8th grade sex education. It should be plastered in every ladies restroom and on the back page of ever god damned Cosmo and Vogue Magazine! This is a fucking doctrine, the new Gonzo Manifesto!!! Do yourself a favor. Print out the article and take it home to your loved one. Crack open a bottle of baby oil and get the party started. And for those of us who have no significant others… Hire one. If you can’t afford it, no worries, this is also a one player game as well. Just make sure you poor a little libation for the little white soldiers who are find themselves strewn on the carpet rather than making a run for the magical orb for which they were destined.

I Got 99 Problems But A Bitch Aint One...

That should be a good thing right? Well maybe if I HAD a bitch and she wasn’t giving me any problems. But that’s a highly unlikely scenario. Not the possibility of me as having a chick, but of having a chick and her not giving me any problems. Yeah… You know what I mean.

I haven’t been giving Gonzo much attention lately. He has been busy getting his act together and I have been getting my life back on track as well. For some reason when the 2 of us link up, all hell breaks loose. I miss the man. I met him after ages last Saturday night. Apparently he managed to break way from the MILF and get himself into a cozy relationship with long term perspective. Isn’t that fucking sweet? In all honesty I have not been getting my life on track for shit (cause I don’t need to) but every time I called Mr. Gonzalez to join me for a drink, he was always making some bitchy little excuse. And now I know why. He got a case of the Jones’s. What ever happened to bro’s before hoes?

But I guess this was bound to happen. None of us are getting any younger. It is about time that G settles down with a nice lady and thinks about spawning, even though nothing scares me more than the thought of more Gonzo’s. But this girl is so fucking Vanilla and Gonzo is Tutti-Frutti. Well okay, not fruity but he is defiantly like Belgian chocolate, with almonds even. What the hell is he gonna get out of a relationship with this Bagvad Geeta Basher? I can already see how he is holding himself back and trying to be all considerate and decent. If it was because he was madly deeply in love with this chick, I could try to small kind understand it. But I don’t see any sparks man. He is selling out. This is the man who idolizes Bam Margera. He smoked more ganja than Eaak a Mouse and Julian Marley put together. He did more drugs than a 50 year old Grateful Dead roadie (aka Dead Head). Has the lion been tamed?

So its Wednesday today and since meeting on Satarday I have had more calls from Gonzo than I have had in the last month. I guess now that his relationship is out of the closet he feels he can call me for advice or support. Fuck that cuz! This isn’t my problem. He got all these issues about how she buys him really lame shirts that are so not his style, she wants him to take her to the mall all the time, she wants to go watch movies just the 2 of them, and she makes him go out with her friends. This is not the kind of crap we have ever needed to discuss in the past. He sounded so docile. So I asked him, “Dude, she must be takin dam good care of you in bed if you are chasing her around like this.” And he tells me that they haven’t even hit it. Now I am not some sort of unemotional beast that does not see the romance in this but for god’s sake, THIS IS GONZO!!! Has the whole fucking world gone nuts? And though all this I see him conform like a puppy. And even if he does really love this girl in some strange, why, why does he have to sacrifice his individuality? Where is the beast I once new and called my brother? Could this be the work of a dukun (black magician)?

I guess I should just be happy for my mate and walk away. But on some level it does not seem natural to me that a person should change so much over night. I hear all the time about people changing their perspectives and ideas but at the base of it I think there is a constant being that we ARE. That which can not change. You may be able to mold stuff around it to make it look different but you can’t change what lies beneath no matter how much you may think you have. It’s like a genetic code. And why should you change it? That is what makes you unique. We all confirm to fit in with the people around us and to suit the situation but such drastic change is not healthy. I can’t really stand to be around this “new” Gonzo right now because it straight up pisses me off. I want to slap him across his mug and say, “Who the fuck are you trying to fool you demented bastard?” Obviously I will not.

It is like watching a bomb defuse itself. When a fuse for a bomb is lit it gives the bomb purpose. It is heading in a particular direction with a goal. Once the bomb is diffused it has no function at all. It can’t even be called a bomb anymore. So what if it was meant to destroy and wreak havoc to all around it? That is what it was made to do. Now it can not do anything else except maybe serve as a door stop! I am not going to be a fucking door stop. I would rather find someone to light the fuse.

HIT ME!!!