Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Trimming the Bushes

Aloha… Suffice to say I slept pretty well last night and I feel a lot better today. I woke up this morning listening to White Rabbit, caught a shave and a hot shower, ready to face the day! While catching a shave and trimming my goatee I started to think (a dangerous sport for me I might add), that I have been to barbers who cut my hair and I have been to barbers that shave me and give serious attention to my facial hair. Some of those guys in India have even gone as far as to pinch up my nose and take a whack at some straggling nose hairs… But where does one go to trim the bushes?

Now I don’t need to stress the importance of keeping your bushes prim. In this day and age oral sex has become the new first base. And no one wants to go hunting through the jungles for a little bit of fruit, be it a peach or a banana. And if any of you out there have a problem with going down on a guy or girl then I just feel sorry for you. I used to hang out with a bunch of over testosterone guys who believed going down on a chick was nasty and thought any guy who did was a bitch but let me tell you fellas, your missin out. I am not going to divulge into this but I will say that a good friend of mine from Chicago changed my life when he told me that he wished they made putang flavored lollipops. He also told a little sumtin sumtin about brandy and cherries.

Guys up first, now if you are a relatively hairy guy, meaning you have at least some hair on your upper thighs, chest and just a little on your back, you cant just go in clean up the area without looking like your crotch was attacked by a lawnmower. Articles I have read in the past do state that you have to work it into the surrounding areas which I think would take a lot of effort and dare I say some talent. There has to be a FADE. This is not an area you would want to mess around in with a sharp pair of scissors in hand so you might want to consider using a beard trimmer rather than a hair trimmer because it is smaller and you can get some more detail into it. I have narrowed the male options down to 3. One is the classic Afro. Let go and let it grow. This may be a bit unhygienic but some girls dig it as long as you keep it clean. Then we have the Top Gun which is like a crew cut. You should also take the time to clip away the long wormy hairs on your nut sack and glutch, but go slowly!! In this same category there are a number of variations like, the Beckham, with a small punked up strip (Surri?), the Jason Donovan, a nice over hanging fringe, or the Boy George, some colored strands and tassels hanging off. Basically whatever you fancy at that point in time. What you would definitely NOT want to venture towards is the Bob Marley. Not hygienic dudes. And of course lastly we have the Porn Star which a lot of guys do opt for. As you can imagine, this method takes a lot of care and attention. You will be using a razor blade against your groin and also against your nut sack. You must be careful to stretch the skin so as not to get any caught between the blades. The Gillette Mach 3 may be great for your face with 3 independently suspended blades BUT that is 3 times the trouble for any loose skin! You would also need a full body wax to carry this one off which I think is pretty lame, cause I mean, you need to have some body hair, cause you’re a man damit. Before attempting these you must soak in a hot tub for at least 15 minutes to loosen up the pubes.

As for the ladies, my advise can only seem limited to you. Cause honestly I lack experience and knowledge here. Now some fellas, not me, dig the au natural. I mean if I wanna go flossing Ill stop at the pharmacy. Ze Germanz have a reputation for not shaving their arm pits or trimming the bushes so if it works for you great, but there are so many facilities out there to help you women take care of this. I mean when you go in for a bikini wax, do they have all the options listed on some sort of price card? Are there pictures of the finished product? The way I see it there are 3 fashions as well, not including the au natural. You can have the airstrip, cool design, or clean shaven. All of which are very cool. Some might argue that the airstrip should just fall under the cool designs but NO… It deserves a category of its own just cause it is so wikid. As far as designs go I have seen only a few but I have heard of some pretty wild stuff like initials being trimmed and even whole statements. I saw a heart once which was cool. What else they got out there? I feel so ignorant. Clean shaven is definitely a good way to go if you wanna get your man down there. And one important thing, if you are gonna keep it smooth then keep working at it cause no one like the pricklies. Whatever it is you are doing ladies, just keep it safe and fresh.

Now one thing people normally worry about is weather their hair would grow back thicker and harder after shaving. The truth of the matter is hair that grows back after a shave is just new hair so it is healthier giving it the appearance of being thicker. So fret not and go wild next Friday evening before hitting the clubs. And for those of you with lovers, give them a treat, you never know, you might find something you really enjoy. Don’t be shy lah! Choos choos choos, pyaar ki juice.

*No hate mail please. This article is only meant to entertain not educate. Sorry no pictures Neelu and Surri.


Ash said...

so if the mach 3 is too difficult, what do you use? and who had the heart??? and assuming (just assuming) i was to have some bum fluff that needed some treatment, what would you advise in that department??? oh, and thanks for your insights on how to 'loosen up pubes'. went down well with breakfast this morning. (not to be treated as hate mail- i was thoroughly entertained)

Shan said...

HAHAHA this is great - thanx for the cheer-me-up!
Oh, and it's very educational too *wink wink, nudge nudge*

Avi said...

Ash, as we both know I fall into the reletivly hairy catagory, therefore I do not go smooth in the groin area, however a silky nut sack does feel.. he he he good. A trimmer will do the job unless you are freakishly hairy, then I would sugest just the old sensor. As for the bum fluff, you might ask your significant other to give you a hand, I strongly recomend you DO NOT try and bend over to catch a shot of your bung hole in the mirror. Thats how hommies get hurt!! If she does not give you hand then you are just gonna have to feel around for yourself.
Another frinend asked about itchy scrotums... Do NOT use powder or else you will end up with pudding in your shorts. A little bit of Nivea or Vasaline will keep you slippery enough. Smooth sailing to ya.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Avi,

For two weeks i have enjoyed some of your posts, especially your pictures of places i have never been to; however, your post 'Trimming the Bushes' is truly done in poor taste and I advise that you discontinue such disgusting comments or risk losing readership. Do you know that unlike pornographic sites, bloggs are not blocked on elementary, junior, and high school web-access, imagine what sexual nonsense you are teaching our children who will come accross your site, do you have no concience? My advice to you is to keep clear of the pornography, otherwise we will have to do something about it. I can tell you are a rational person and will take this comment as a man and admit your fault, you can still write good web logs without the indecent comments. Good luck to you, and I will be monitoring your site.

Sir Irafath

Anonymous said...


why the fuck would i want to see pictures. u know ive always agreed with u regading the going down on the female sex, oral sex is one of the great pleasures of sex. any ways love your writing bro.....


mogs said...

Sir Irafath,

Your comments regarding "Trimming the Bushes" seem out of reason. This is someone's personal blog and I feel he is entitled to express... isn't that what's it's all about? You are free to choose not to read the postings. Moreover, who is to say what categorizes a suitable topic or not. I think "Trimming the Bushes" is perfectly suitable. Infact, it's a real-life issue that we all face, and if one cannot talk about it with his friends, then with whom? Infact, the way Avi humorizes it is a tactful way of bringing it out in the open and having people share similar experiences.

the spanish one said...

Bra i cracked up reading this post... hilarious! ze germanz :)
I totally agree with RO... u express yrself anywhich way u want n if other ppl disagree with u then to hell with them!
Keep the posts coming!! i will look forward to the next one.

Avi said...

Irafath, what are you still doing here? I told you not to come back until you respond to the post I made for you? I do not even feel like I owe you a decent response till you do that. So run along now.

Mahalo Ro.