Saturday, October 11, 2008

Awake... Again...

I feel it has been ages since I have written anything. Its 3 am and I cant sleep. Its funny, that’s why I started writing this blog in the first place. Now I am lying there wondering if I should delete this whole son of a bitch.

I am Indian and the way I have brought up, arranged marriages are quite common. Not in the old school sense where you meet a girl 4 or 5 times and tie the knot, but where you get introduced by friends and family in common. A staged intervention kinda. My friends and family think it might be the right thing for me to do right now but that’s not what’s bothering me right now. I am totally open to a committed relationship but marriage, arranged marriage, I don’t know how that would work.

We all read blogs (you’re here right?) and some of us write blogs. Whether its criticism, journalism, or hedonism that motivates to you write in a public area, all our words contain an extremely personal element. I have poured out 3 years of jargon into this blog. I cant even be fucked to check how many posts I have up here or how many hits I have picked up over the years. And when I am in the zone I don’t even care if anyone is listening. But blogging has driven me to try so many new things and I have met some awesome people through these words too. These posts will attest to that. But I would be lying if I said I never worried that this blog could also bury me.


Everyone loves a little mystery. But blogs are 2 dimensional, unlike real people. They should create supposition not generate conclusions. All writing is art. Is it natural for people to make certain assumptions and judgments about people based of stuff they read on their blogs? If I ever settle into a serious relationship, how long would I wait before I told my girl about this blog? I think she would know about it pretty soon because it is no secret. I even have cards printed for Indo Dreamin. This is like my playground where I get to stretch after a long day in the office. Where I play with my thoughts and ideas. I am proud of this place and I like to share it.


What if I took the arranged marriage route? If I only knew a girl for a few weeks she could find this blog before we got a chance to really open up to each other? I have written some pretty twisted shit, even by my own standards. But I never want to have to be ashamed of that. Not even of the stupid things I have done. But society is a bitch and that monster can chew you up and spit you out alive. Looking back, it was living in a critical society that drove me to do most of the crazy shit I did. But these words, they are out here in the open. Once I hit that POST button, they don’t belong to me anymore. They say what people want to hear. I don’t think there is anyway of changing that. I better read my online creative commons license to see if they have a clause in there about this.   


And then there is reality to contend with. My nephews are getting pretty sharp now. They are hungry for information and Google is on the menu. I just got to say a word they don’t understand and they will look that shit up. How long will it be before they come here? Do I want to protect them from the me that is me? The me that was me? I don’t think so. This world is a crazy place and I hope they come face to face with everything. And this way I am accountable for my actions. Even falling in the fire.


I think I answered my question. Good night.



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