The Origin of Gonzo (part one)

*As everyone is curious about whom Gonzo is, I have decided to give you a biography. Everything below is absolutely true. At least my cousins Inny and Rishi will see the sense/nonsense in this. This is a testament to how fucking jobless I am at times.

Once upon a time in a small town near a forest somewhere north of Mumbai and west of Delhi, a child was born and his parents dubbed him Gonzo. At first glace he looked like any other black haired, brown eyed baby, but upon closer inspection they noticed that Gonzo had six fingers on each hand and if that wasn’t bad enough he also had a third nipple. The town’s people were shocked and quickly advised the mother to dump Gonzo into the well as he possessed what their ancient scriptures referred to as the “Bad Ass Omen”.

With the hoards of village people chasing her through the narrow winding streets, Gonzo’s mom clutched the basinet containing Gonzo close to her chest and ran towards the wooded area fearing the safety of her child. She cut through the tree’s and bushes only to find her self standing on the edge of a raging river. She could hear the screams and insults growing louder behind her so she kissed little Gonzo on his forehead and set the basinet adrift on the river to flow away, leaving his destiny in the hands of Mother Nature. 18 hours later a small brown rattan basket settled on the river banks of a small isolated village called Zatara.

Children playing in the stream noticed the basket and approaching it they heard the soft grunts and squeaks of a child. Quickly they rushed to the village chief Butros Banda and beckoned him to see their discovery. Butros stepped into the cold water and with his fists pressed against his waist he looked down his nose at the helpless child that lay at his feet. He called for the fifth of his 9 wives who had just given birth and ordered her to breast feed the new found baby so he would shut up and give the chief time to think. Butros Banda returned to his hut where wife number 7 and 8 continued to massage his legs while he smoked his fresh opium.

Butros emerged from his hut 2 days later refreshed and rejuvenated and walked to the centre of the village where his subjects usually congregated. He called for the new child to be brought forward, which he was, and Gonzo was once again placed at the feet of the mighty chief. Butros struck his signature pose, one fist clenched and pressed against his waist while his other hand floated below his chin, his fingers twirling slowly through his long goatee. Moments passed and Butros leisurely knelt down and picked up the child in his muscular arms. He noticed the fact that Gonzo possessed six fingers on each hand and a third nipple on his chest. This brought a smile to the chief’s face. He put his lips next to Gonzo’s ear and whispered the words Thaurus Bulba. That was his name from now on. Butros held the child high above his head and yelled the name to the people around him. Thaurus Bulba!!!

Years drifted by and Gonzo, a thirteen year old boy who’s name was now Thaurus Bulba, living in the village of Zatara, had been accepted as one of Butros Banda’s own sons. All the 9 wives of the chief treated him as their own and young Gonzo felt no shortage of love and attention. He had been reminded through out his time in Zatara about where he came from and he harbored no false ideas regarding his identity. His origins were just as mysterious to him as they were to everyone else. The Zataraian’s, as they are sometimes refered to, dared not comment on Gonzo’s extra extremities as they were regarded lucky by the chief himself. Before making his yearly pilgrimage to the foothills of the Himalayas, Butros Banda would always ask Gonzo to press his 12 fingers against his forehead and then he would softly flick Gonzo’s third nipple, which made them both laugh. The trip to the Himalayas was always long and dangerous but with Gonzo’s blessings the chief constantly returned revitalized and unscathed.

As the time came near for Banda to once again make his pilgrimage, he called his son Thaurus to his tent. As the boy knelt before the chief, Banda placed his large hand on Gonzo’s head, his long strong fingers easily wrapped around his skull like Micheal Jordan gripping a basket ball. He said, “Thaurus Bulba. You are the most special of all 27 of my children. You must have wondered all your life why I have named you Thaurus Bulba and your siblings are named Mike, Sally, Bob, Joe, Sandra, Susan, and such.” Yes father” Gonzo whispered. “Even the village people sometimes have trouble pronouncing my name”. “You see Thaurus, when I was a child about your age, my father started to take me on pilgrimages through the hills and up to the mighty mountain. On the way we would spend many nights around small fires with sages. There was one sage in particular called Rastafucious Bulaea. He used to smoke this herb that he shared with my father and me. It grew on a plant with a leaf that had 6 extensions. The plant was called Thaurus Bulba. When I saw you I remembered that plant and the nights I spent talking with my father under the star filled sky. We had some of our most meaningful conversations on those nights. It was as if there was a natural mystic blowing through the air. Since my father moved on to the next plain I seldom pass the old paths to the mighty mountain. This year young Bulba, you will accompany me and we shall make the treacherous journey together across the old routes. The time has come for you to leave behind your boyish ways and march into the realm of manhood.”

And so it was that that Gonzo aka Thaurus Bulba and Chief Butros Banda left their quite village, carrying only the most basic of necessities, and head out on the pilgrimage to the might mountain. Gonzo had no inclination of what to expect. But somewhere in his heart he felt that he was heading towards a greater destiny that he was meant to fulfill. The look in his fathers eyes assured him that there was a mystery behind this journey and he was about to be a part of it. He was excited yet at the same time scared of what lay before them. Maybe he could now find out why he came from a river and why he had twelve fingers and three nipples.

Stay tuned for part two. Coming soon.