Monday, July 18, 2005

Avi So Stupid Lah!

I received a post card from my cousin Rishi the other day. It had been a while since I got something personal in the mail. It’s all bills and subscriptions now days. I can’t remember the last time I actually wrote anything on paper apart from my signature on check’s and credit card bills. Every now and then I do make notes on post its but nothing makes sense when I look back at it. I must be fucking dyslectic (you know the spell check did this word for me). How the hell do they make a word that is supposed to describe what is represents, spelled like this? This could possibly be the hardest thing for a dyslectic person to spell. I didn’t know till just now that that is how it was spelled!! How the hell is a poor dyslectic bastard supposed to even read what problem he got!!?? I can’t tell my P’s from my T’s and my H’s from my F’s. As for numbers, I always screw up when I writing shit down. Sometimes I really wonder how the hell I have made it this far. I write my blog on Microsoft Word and I swear to god, after I am done the whole page is just a red and green mess. I spend 20 minutes writing and another 20 just correcting. And still there is so much that gets by me when I read back my posts.

My stupidity seriously astonishes me. The other day I was sitting on my couch watching TV and I decided to call a friend. I picked up the land line and dialed the number. Next thing I know my cell phone is ringing so I say to myself, oh speak of the devil, he must be calling me. Like a hero I quickly put down the land line to answer my cell and it stops ringing. I did this twice before I realized I was calling my own cell phone!!! You know what the worst part is? This isn’t the first time I have done this…

The other day I was heading out of my office for a meeting. I was supposed to drive down to the mall which is about 10-15 minutes from my office. So I get in the car and I am singing songs in my head, thinking about work or maybe not about work. I started driving and the next thing I knew; I was parking right out side my house. I had to stop for a minute and just examine the situation. My house is also only about 5 minutes from my office but in the absolute opposite direction. Am I such a fucking space cake?

When dealing with a sachet of tomato sauce, we all know that if the rip isn’t big enough and when you pinch it if the sauce don’t flow, then you make a bigger hole. I know this shit man. I have seen people fuck up in movies. About a month ago I was at the KFC in Mall Kelapa Gading and I decided to get some chicken. I sat down with my meal and went for the sauce. The hole I made was obviously too small but I just kept on squeezing and the next thing you know I got red sauce all over my shirt. The shit just shot in a straight stream right at my chest. I do not think even one drop hit the plate. I did laugh to myself as I wiped myself up. I looked around smiling but no one was looking at me. I guess no body saw but as soon as I looked at my plate I heard a giggle. I looked up again and everyone was in their own world. This continued till I finished my meal. Bastards…

The all time classic was at Blow Fish. I don’t know how many of you have been to this club. It is really fresh with all this minimalist décor. The place is pretty dark and they have small candles on every table. I was hanging with a group of friends and there were some pretty hot women in the mix who I had just been introduced to. I was sippin on my Jack makin the small talk, walkin around and shmoozin. I set my drink on the table for a while I smoked a cigarette and then went back for it. I had already had a lot to drink that night so I was taking it easy. I continued to chat to people and walk around. About 10 minutes later I took a big sip of my drink and immediately gagged it out. I just drank a moth full of oil!! The candles on the tables were floating candles in oil and this candle was out. The glass it was in was almost the same as the glasses we were drinking from!!! I was looking away when I gagged so I don’t think anyone saw me. But some one must have noticed me walking around with a candle right? What a dumb ass.

11 comments:

AmitD said...

Glad to see I am not hte only cartoon doing silly things... good stuff avi but don't worry bout it. Happens to the best of us...:)

ival said...

Avi...Avi...Avi....those brain cells are dying mate...You know what kills them huh??

Some nights when we go out with Jack Daniels, I forget hours of shit that happened the night before!! Just black outs!! Until the next morning, or next week someone(from last week) asks me, "Hey where did you disappear to last week?"...and I go, "Last week?? Did I meet you last week...???" I may be hanging out with super models and I may never know!!!

Avi said...

I hear you Lavi. It is nice to belive that we might have been with some supermodels during those blackouts but I am pretty sure it is quite the opposite. Unfortunatly.

Jax said...

Wow, you guys too? Ever have one of those experiences where you're looking for something, like a spoon or a fork, and then because you get really into the 'hunt' you put down what's in your hand and...lo and behold, it was just what you were looking for. Amit's right...it happens to the best of us...at the worst of times.

There's nothing to worry about man. It's how you recover from the situation that's important. Well, I don't think that's a good word, 'recover'. More like 'continue'.

Like this time I cracked my skull...had a series of seizures my doctor told me. I passed out twice in the Jack in the Box at Waikiki...freaky joint man. Bad food and psychotic people!! The first time, I remember standing in line, and then this nice warm feeling came over me and I was in a field full of daisies, as far as the eye could see...like that scene in The Galdiator where Russell Crowe is skimming his hands over the tops of the flowers. Next thing I realize is, that I'm thinking to myself, "Hey, weren't you standing in line at Jack in the Box?" And this is when it gets interesting...attention to detail people.

I opened my eyes, slowly, and I realize that I'm lying on the floor, on my back. A quick mental scan of the body reveals no nasty bumps and bruises...so I must've slowly laid down or something. Anyway, I remember that there were a couple freaks in front of me and a nice family of four behind me, so I half open my eyes and look up. Nope, no one in front. How long had I been laying there? And then as I slowly pick myself up I glance back out of the corner of my eye and see the 'nice' family with their backs against the wall hoping that their 'freaky Hawaiian vacation' will turn out to be okay if they can get through this one night of Waikiki insanity. So, I pick myself up, and without even pausing bewilderedly to look around or anything I step up to the counter and place my order...making sure that I ask for the 'curly fries' instead of the 'regular'. And then, after I've paid the gentleman behind the counter, who is as nonchalant as I seem to be acting, I step back and let the 'nice' family through. No one said anything to me, no one asked me anything...but I bet that must have been really hard to ignore...I mean, a Malayalee lump, passed out, on the floor. But what was I trying to 'recover' from? Was I worried that I would look stupid? Hahaha...looking back on it now, I realize that the 'smooth' moves were best left for a more suitable occasion. Oh, and to finish the story, after a couple of minutes of standing and waiting for my order, I passed out again...this time for 2 days, and a 'slightly' cracked skull + some internal bleeding.

Half-cracked Malayalee anyone?

So, don't worry about this stuff...it's just that there's things going on in your life that make you not pay attention to the mundane things...like picking up the right glass, for example. Like you said, when it happens, just take a second and examine what just happened...take a deep breath, and then focus on your breathing and do it slowly for like a minute or two. Relax..... Shant ho jao....

Avi said...

Jax - That be some crazy shit. The JITB at waikiki is nasty bro. Its full of pimps hoes and drug dealers. Well at least you made it out alive. Are you narcaleptic or sumthin? ;-)

Jax said...

Nope...not narcoleptic as far as I know. It seemed to be a one-off incident. Even the doc (who was a neurosurgeon) didn't know what to make of it. I guess, it was just an OD of the good life. Oh, and while I was unconscious I was able to have conversations with people and respond to their queries and shit.

Avi said...

Jax - Maybe its like that movie butterfly effect. Now I sound like Amit. Associating everything with movies.

Aisha said...

duuuudeee. all tht ganja sure is killin some brain cells. tht shyte is jus hilarious maaan!!

Jax said...

Uh...butterfly effect? No idea bro. And Aisha, damn right it was the ganja...Rastafar-eye! Jah bless!

Avi said...

Butterfly effect - You know that theory that states a butterfly flapping its wings in china can cause a hurricane in America... Somthing like that, well there is this movie that plays with the idea on a level of every action has a reaction. The movie is called Butterfly Effect staring Ashton Kustcher. I know, main stream, but its interesting. It is similar to the recent movie that came out with Adrian Brody, The Jacket. (sorry for spelling, in a rush)

ival said...

Damn...you guys notice that our stories have Jack in the box and Jack daniels...HMMMM...Jack....??

Mallu you used to pass out all the time at my house bro...and once you guys got into that Ahua place...it was just wild man...i think you guys were having sessions almost every other night or something man. Remember those crazy days...

Avi those pimps hoes and drug dealers have moved out of JITB and moved down the street to the Furama hotel side with Dennys. They dont hang on this side of the street anymore...but the hoes are still fine dog...