Most people are relieved and happy to come home after a long trip away. For some reason it is quite the opposite for me. I can’t seem to slip this feeling. Maybe I have just had enough of this city. Maybe I am just not built to stay in one place for so long. Some days I want to just get rid of my business and go do something different. Become an 18 wheeler truck driver maybe. Drive across the US delivering cargo without a concern for what it is I am carrying. I could met different people and have all new experiences. Somehow I feel all my adventures here have been exhausted. If this is all there is then I might as well check out now.
Once again I can’t sleep and food does not even taste that good anymore. Everyday is like some intense cocaine withdrawal downer. There is no joy left in the simple things and I never really cared for them that much in the first place. Acceptance of all responsibility and stability are part of growing up but I am still not ready for it. I don’t think I ever will be. There is still something out there that I have to see, know, or find. But when I say it our loud it all just comes off as vacant passion.
The world is changing but I seem to be standing still. I do not want to be a pillar or a well rooted tree. I would rather be an insignificant leaf that floats on the wind as it falls to the ground, rotting on the soil. There is a character in the book Atlas Shrugged who as a child growing up saw a solid tree perched on a hill as a symbol of strength, only one day to find that it had been knocked over by a bolt of lightning during a storm. At a closer glance he finds this tree was not solid at all but rather old and hollow. It was long dead and gone, before the storm. Maybe I am like that tree… Empty. One day they will find out.
Maybe I need a drink. Maybe I don’t. On a less depressing note, here is a new iPOD accessory that I recently came across. It is not directly affiliated with Apple but rumor has it that they have been sold out for the Christmas season. The iBUZZ will make a great gift for any of your female friends (or your deranged male ones). “A super-fun sex toy that plugs into your iPOD! The music-activated vibrating bullet stimulates you in time with your favorite music. And you can listen to your songs while you're enjoying the vibrations”. So it moves to the beat of the bass. The next time you see some chick on the bus smiling while listening to her iPOD, you think about what is making her so damn happy.