Thursday, February 02, 2006

Tech Guide to Waxing Dolphins

This blog has been clean and serious for way too fucking long. Bismilah, the undersexed lout, has been hogging the ball and it is time to let ME, Gonzo back into the game. As you know I am a straight talking son of a bitch who brings it to you like it is. So if you can’t take the heat, you best step out of the kitchen. Consider that your disclaimer.

I came across this site, which amongst other things, gives various descriptions of how to give good hand jobs to guys. Now as a man, I can testify that some women just don’t know how to slap the salami. And the only thing worse than no hand job, is a bad hand job. And I can’t really blame them because they don’t have a shlong. Except for that one in Bangkok, but it was dark and I was drunk. I am pretty sure that women would say most men can’t ‘hit the spot’ either, even if you gave them a map. I have had women try to signal me in with flares and glow sticks but some times you just can’t get into the groove you know. That sort of attention really requires an open and brutally honest line of communication that some couples are just not able to share. I guess that is why some people just rather be fags and not have to go through the whole explanation process.

The author, Brooks Peters, takes his time to explain the male sexual region and point out the more sensitive zones for the benefit of the ‘wankers’ and also the ‘wankees’. He does this in his own unique way, but where he really out does himself is with his breakdown of ‘techniques’. Here are a few I found…… Intriguing and yet slight disturbing.

How about going double or nothing! Bring both well-lubricated hands down on his shaft. Some cocks are so big they require both hands. If your partner's doesn't, then use the other hand to caress and lightly flutter his balls, or tighten around the base of his shaft. If both hands fit along the length of the shaft, move then together, up and down, in the typical pumping motion. Pretend you're holding a baseball bat and are about to score a grand slam. You can also vary the directions of your hands, one up, one down at the same time. There's no doubt that two hands are better than one.

The analogy of my cock being a baseball bat hitting a grand slam does not really rest easy with me. But you must admit that it is pleasurable to have your balls ‘fluttered’.

Not many people have heard of the "shuttle cock," but it's one of the best. Take the penis in both hands, fingers lightly touching the sides of the shaft. In order to visualize the position, think of yourself holding a clarinet. Now flick the penis back and forth between your two hands by holding on to the loose skin of the shaft. Shuttling it back and forth in this manner may not seem incredibly thrilling to him at first, but pretty soon, as it builds up momentum, it will drive him out of his mind. Orgasms encountered via this method are sometimes messy, but always memorable.

I have never heard of this and I honestly do find it hard to imagine. But for the more adventurous of us, WHY NOT!? It can’t possibly be THAT messy…

Place your hands down on either side, your fingers pointing away from the cock. Pretend you're a campfire girl and start spinning his pecker like a stick of wood. This way you'll keep the home fires burning for a long time to come.

This just sounds scary. What if your dick actually goes up in flames? Also I would really have to trust a woman to let her go wild on my toy like that. A little too much torque and she could twist the poor bastard right off.

As you are stroking him, lightly pull on the wispy strands of pubic hair sprouting from his testicles. Don't pull so hard that you remove them, but tease them gently, lovingly. This will make him holler with delight and awe at your inventiveness.

Kind of masochistic if you ask me. And you can’t really do this if you took my advice and trimmed your bushes. You know there is nothing like a smooth nut sack.

Use your open palm to swirl around the head, the way your tongue would lick an ice cream cone. This sensitizes the head, and will make it get larger and turn (even more) red. Try reversing direction for a surprise.

This one actually sounds good though. I can’t wait to find out what the surprise is.

All jokes aside, in the current climate we live in, nothing is more essential to practice then safe sex. It’s either that or no sex. And I am certain none of us prefer the latter. A document such as this should be part of 8th grade sex education. It should be plastered in every ladies restroom and on the back page of ever god damned Cosmo and Vogue Magazine! This is a fucking doctrine, the new Gonzo Manifesto!!! Do yourself a favor. Print out the article and take it home to your loved one. Crack open a bottle of baby oil and get the party started. And for those of us who have no significant others… Hire one. If you can’t afford it, no worries, this is also a one player game as well. Just make sure you poor a little libation for the little white soldiers who are find themselves strewn on the carpet rather than making a run for the magical orb for which they were destined.

1 comment:

AmitD said...

Now this is the sick and twisted bastid I know and love man!! Welcome back... where you been hiding?
Reply to my email bastard....