Friday, May 18, 2007

Omm - Nanometer-silver Cryptomorphic Condom

I am not making this up. There really is a Nanometer-silver Cryptomorphic Condom on the shelves of the C-Store here in Guangzhou. I have seen this package on the counter numerous times and wondered what the hell this is, wishing I had an enthusiastic partner to try this weird and wonderful invention out with. It sounds like some device I could attach to my dick that would make me shoot golden copulations, wads of sparkling semen speckled with neon green kryptonite dust that would bring Superwoman to her knees! I imagine the box containing meters and gauges that will make me a better love machine, while insuring I do not leave a bun in the oven. The Nanometer-silver Cryptomorphic Condom is even made by the ‘Omm’ company which is redolent of my mystical Indian roots drawing me ever closer into its seductive web. What tantric paraphernalia could this box hold in store for me?

Once again my exceedingly high expectations had let me down, HARD! The box had some good weight in it and based on the name of the product I was expecting to see some innovative birth control. All the entire box had in it was a canister of foam and a little plastic box containing 2 nozzles. What a fucking rip off. There was not ‘meter’ and there was nothing ‘nano’ about the product. And where was my ‘cryptomorphic condom’? The only thing ‘silver’ about the whole deal was the base of the canister. Why would they come up with such a whacky name for some foam lubrication with spermicidal agents in it? I felt this way once before when I bought one of those magic sets. I saw the guy at the shop demonstrating all the tricks with such ease and he left all the kids in awe. I saved up my money, bought the magic kit, and took it home to entertain my folks. I came off looking like a total dumbass because it was impossible to pull off any of those tricks smoothly without having 1 year of practice. It is a good thing I was opening the Nanometer-silver Cryptomorphic Condom on my own and did not have an eager woman by my side. She would have been expecting intergalactic sexual experiences with golden copulations and all I would have had to offer would be me and some spermicidal lubricant.

So blah blah blah, you have to fit the 9cm nozzle on to the tip of the spray can, turn it upside down, slip about 6cm of the nozzle into the vagina, and spray (filling the vaginal cavity). I can’t image that would feel very good. I mean what happens when he sticks his penis in? Where does the foam go then, does it just come out the sides or dissolve away? That would be pretty messy, plus when I rubbed the foam between my fingers it was not very slippery. So as a lubricant I would say it is useless. The instructions implore that you turn the canister upside down before inserting the nozzle into the vagina and spraying. There is a warning about sticking it in right side up and I wonder why. Maybe in the tests some lady filled her vagina up with all the excess gas from the canister and made a big pussy fart. Hey, it happens! So check out the video of the Nanometer-silver Cryptomorphic Condom analysis.

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