Got Gout?

About 4 or 5 years ago, I woke up at 4am one morning to take a piss. As I stepped off my bed my body weight fell on to my right foot and just as that happened, I fell towards the floor screaming in pain. It felt as though someone had taken a hammer to my foot and broken every damn bone in there. I could feel each and every joint in my toes as they throbbed. I struggled to the bathroom, took a piss, and hobbled back into bed. I spent the next few hours just lying in bed wondering how the fuck I managed to break my foot while I was asleep. I knew this could not have been a sprain because it hurt so bloody much. Needless to say I did not sleep a wink but waited for the sun to come out and my driver to show up so I could go to the hospital. They took a bunch of x rays of my foot and after a long wait they found nothing. They took a couple of blood samples from me as well and sent me home. All that day I suffered. They could not figure out what was wrong with me and there are times I seriously thought I would pass out from the pain, so I did the only I know how to do in these situations. I grabbed a bottle of Jack and proceeded to get pissed. But it did not help. The pain just got worse and I spent the whole night in bed wishing I could chop my foot off. I swear I could feel the air conditioner hitting my big toe and it felt like it was being crushed in a vice. I have done many stupid things in my life and put my body though a world of pain, but seriously, nothing could compare to what I went through that night. The next day I went back to the hospital and they tell me I got some issue with my blood that is making my foot hurt. I don’t get how some issue with my blood can make my foot hurt THAT badly. The doctors said my readings of Uric Acid in my blood were through the roof and they gave me some medication. I started popping that shit like tic tacs and by that afternoon I was fine. I did some reading on the internet about the situation and it turns out I got gout.

I had heard of gout before and it was so nasty sounding. I always thought it was some sort of sexually transmitted disease or something. It turns out its actually called ‘The Gout’ and it is caused by livin large. That’s right. Too much booze and good food can fuck with your kidneys and liver and then you make too much uric acid and some peoples bodies cant deal with that so it builds up in certain joints in the body and crystallizes causing very intense pain. The Gout has been known to drive grown men crazy, like dark side of the moon insane. And it is really strange because the pain can just appear over night and disappear the same way. It must have been a year before I got the gout pains again and it made sense because it was during a crazy wedding when I was going far around the bend again. And I was not taking any chances so as soon as I felt an ache I was off the bottle and on the pills. Since then I have not had much issue with The Gout really.

Having The Gout really sucks though. It is not something I always have but when as soon as I feel the slightest pain in my big toe I avoid all the things that might trigger an attack. And you would not belive how long that list is. Booze is the first thing to go, then cold cuts, beef, pork, sweets, all breads, tomatoes, and so much more. It is fucking ridiculous. I get scared to eat anything and resort to eating plain rice. I am lucky though cause I have only had The Gout about 4 or 5 times and the last few were not too severe. Some people have it all the time. And people have been suffering from it for hundreds of years. And back when there was no cure or knowledge of prevention it was worse than the fucking plague. The Gout meant dying a slow painful death. It had been so long since my last attack that I even forgot I had it.

Two days ago I woke up in the morning and as I stepped off my bed I felt it. Immediately I was regretting the 2 bottles of JD I polished last weekend. And this time it was bad. Plus my other ankle is still fucked up from when I stepped in the hole. I am just waiting to get back to Indo so I can sort that out and now this. Yesterday was fucking horrible. I tried to pick up some herbal shit but its hard to communicate what is going on to the local pharmacist and going to a hospital is out of the question for me. So that brings me to where I am right now, totally strung out on painkillers, again. I have been super clean for so long but I had to give in last night and I popped a handful of tramadol. Dude, my foot is killing me right now, but I am one happy camper. And I am so pleasant to be around at work. Even my colleagues are wondering why I am so laid back and happy today. I forgot how much fun pharmacuticals can be. So I am off the bottle for another week till I get to Brazil. That's right. I am going to Brazil for 20 days next week baby!!! Taking off to Indo this Sunday and the 1 month vacation begins. Alooooooooooohaaaa.