Friday, November 23, 2007

HEROES - It Sucks To Be You

Like millions of people across the planet, I have also been sucked into the dimension of the hit TV series Heroes. What is there not to love about it? Ordinary people like you and me waking up one morning to find that they have superhuman powers. Since the inception of Superman every kid wanted to fly like him and every grown up man sought after the x-ray vision. But is having super powers all that it is cracked up to be?

Nikki/Jessica Sanders – This power is more like a curse than a blessing. In fact I would not even call it a super power, its just a seriously fucked up case of skitsophrenia. Nikki has some superhuman strength but all we have really seen her do is kick ass and tear people in half. That whole scenario seems more trouble than its worth. About 5 of hits of acid and anyone of us could be like her.

D.L Hawkins – So DL can walk through everyday objects like doors, walls, and even bank vaults, but that does not explain how his clothes get through. So even if you walk in and out of any place you want you still can’t take anything out the way you came in. So theft is out. And once you are out in the open you would be standing around naked! I could not see myself making any serious use of this power apart from playing tricks in a bar. I don’t think a power like this could even get you laid.

Mitch Sanders – Now this little fucker is onto something. Having the power to screw around with electronics and computer systems in this day and age is one hell of a strength to possess. This guy can make ATM’s spit out cash on command and… Actually that is all I have really seen him do so far, but I am sure he could break I into a bunch of places that have advanced electronic security systems. However put him up against one old school combination padlock and he is screwed.

Claude – You might remember him as the invisible man. Again, it does not make sense how he can make all the clothes he is wearing invisible as well. Therefore you would once again have to walk around naked, but this time people cant see you! This sounds quite good actually, in an exhibitionist sort of way. And you can spy on pretty much anyone you want, whenever you want and fulfill all those fantasies of sneaking into the girls showers we had as young boys. This power although entertaining does not seem of any real significance to me on its own. I could play a kick ass game of hide and seek though.

Ted Sprague – The Human Bomb. There are loads of guys like him all over the Middle East, except he has gone nuclear! This guy is like Osama Bin Laden’s wet dream. I don’t know if he can blow himself up over and over again or he has a onetime use package only. Whatever the case, this is one of those curses. If I was the radioactive man I would have no other choice than to become the bad guy and hold the planet ransom for…. One Hundred Quazillion Dollars!!!! Or you could be a human nuclear power station I guess. Not much fun.

The Haitian – I do not know the guys name but he is one who makes your memory disappear. Again, this power would be totally useless you are Captain Date Rape of course. Take advantage of damsels then quickly erase their memory. I would probably look for a job with the mob if I had this power, which is kind of like what he was doing. And now that he is not in the mob, The Haitian has become obsolete. Poor bastard.

Matt Parkman – I just got to say that this guy is the most irritating person on the show. But leaving that aside, I think his power sucks too. Reading a persons thoughts is way too over rated and I think is probably the worst power one could come up with. I mean, most of the time people are usually thinking negative shit about you, not about how fucking cute you are. People have fucked up thoughts and if I knew what was really going through the minds of my friends and family I would probably cut my own eyes out. I guess this is where The Haitian would come in handy to make me forget all that shit.

Isaac Mendez – I think the producers of the show figured out how useless this guys power is and decided to kill him off. But say even if it was just the ability to look into the future, it would still suck, because you would be powerless to do anything about it to change the outcome. I would rather just be a kick ass artist like him and write comic books that kids love to read all the way in Japan. Also you could never really enjoy a book, a movie, or life in general because you would always know what is going to happen next. Who the fuck wants to hang out with a guy like that any way, he is like Captain Spoiler.

Nathan Petrelli – Now this is something worth lusting for, the ability to fly. Of all the powers mentioned above this is the only one that would get you totally laid. Nathan made little use of his powers at all. Even when he was sulking going though his alcoholic bum stage, he chose to do it in New York. If I could fly I would much rather be depressed in some ghost town where people do not know me, or even on some beach on a remote island. The kid they introduced in season 2 seems to have a much better grip on his flying powers using them to seduce Claire, flying her to a romantic beach then taking her on a date to the Hollywood sign. Basically, flying is cool and it always will be.

Hiro Nakamura – The ability to bend space and time. When I think of time travel I always remember the diagram Doctor Emmet Brown drew in Back to the Future. You cannot fuck with the past, it has way to many implications. As much as I would love to go back and change certain things or meet certain people, the fabric of what IS would be reconstructed beyond repair and the implications of that are way too intense for me to understand now, or ever. This power has too much responsibility involved, although I would make use of the ability to bend space by transporting myself all over the planet. Lunch in Rome? Hmmm. I think so.

Claire – To be given the gift of everlasting life. To live forever while all the people you love and cherish wither away around you. Essentially Claire cannot die. Although it would be awesome to regenerate tissue and heal in moments, would you really want everlasting life? It would be cool for a few hundred years I guess but what about when it starts to get old? Unlike the Highlander, if you chop Claires head off, she will not die, she will just grow a new one. What if the whole planet got annihilated by some rogue comet? I would be left walking around a baron plain with other form of life other than cockroaches to keep me company, waiting for a few million years for evolution to fill the spaces. If someone gave me this power I would take it, but I would try and trade it off for something more temporary.

Sylar/Peter Petrelli – These 2 guys have essentially the same power, the ability to have all powers. So I guess you could say they are the ultimate supermen, although for the time being Sylar is incapacitated. This would be the best power to have because you can have ALL the powers and control them independently. Still I think it is a bit too much to handle. People would be asking me to do shit all the time, go get me this, save the planet, and what not. Whats worse is if I had the power to change my appearance I know my friends would make me sit around naked looking like some famous hot model. Some of the sick bastards might even want to fuck me. You cringe now but you know you would! That thought alone makes me say NO THANKS… Of all the powers on the TV show Heroes, I believe the only one I would be interested in possessing would be the ability to fly. That is the ultimate sensation of freedom.

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