The Gout is Back...

This is the second time this year I am having and attack of 'the gout'. This is my penance. It is fucking impossible to avoid all the stuff that causes the gout, especially alcohol. The last few nights have been hellish to say the least. I don't even have the energy to complain about it right now because I am in agony right now. Why won't it go away? I can't even pop pain killers cause that makes it worse. And the more I drink to numb my mind, the worse it gets. This is by far my worst adversary. Just check out the list of shit I am supposed to avoid.

• Meat: organ meats, offal, meat extracts, veal, bacon, sweetbreads, meat gravies and broths, consommé/bullion

• Poultry: turkey, goose

• Seafood: salmon, mackerel, trout, cod, herring, sardines, anchovies, mussels, crab, shrimp

• Vegetables: peas, beans, lentils, asparagus, mushrooms, cooked spinach, rhubarb, cauliflower

• Yeast products: baked goods, beer

• Alcohol - it increases the production of uric acid and inhibits its excretion by the kidneys

• Coffee - it accelerates the breakdown of protein into uric acid

• All fried foods - they cause a depletion of vitamin E, which can cause uric acid to rise

• Cream and ice cream

• Rich desserts

• Spices

• Pastries

• Simple sugars, simple carbohydrates and saturated fats - they increase your body's production of uric acid and impair your kidneys' ability to get rid of it. Eliminate fructose (found in food and drinks, like sodas)

• White flour

• Aspirin can raise uric acid levels. If you need to use pain killers, only use ones with ibuprofen.

• Oatmeal

• Whole grains

• Caffeine - it impairs kidney function, which is needed to get uric acid out of the body.

That covers about everything that is fun to eat. I do not have this list memorized so last night I went out and ate crab and tiger prawns. I thought I was doing myself a favor avoiding red meat but I went from the frying pan straight into the fire. I cant eat fried foods? So much for those chips I had for lunch. I am going to die like Elvis, without all the fame, money, and hot bitches. But there is hope, check out the stuff that will supposedly make me better.

• One of the best ways to prevent gout is to drink at least 6-8 eight ounce glasses of water, fresh juices or herb tea daily, especially at the first signs of gout. This will keep your urine diluted and will help your body excrete uric acid and prevent crystals from forming.

• Eat foods high in potassium, as mentioned above.

• Eating generous amounts of other fruits and vegetables helps keep uric acid crystals in solution.

• Take the flavonoid quercetin - see below under Folk Remedies. This should be part of your permanent gout-prevention diet.

• Having sex prevents men from getting gout. It seems that increased sexual activity reduces uric acid levels in fertile men.

• Lemon juice prevents gout attacks by stimulating the formation of calcium carbonate in the body. Calcium carbonate neutralizes acids in the body, including uric acid that triggers gout attacks. After each meal drink the juice of one freshly squeezed lemon in a glass of lukewarm water. To get more juice out of the lemon, bring it to room temperature, then roll it around on the counter with the palm of your hand.

• Taking 1/2 teaspoon of baking soda with meals will prevent gout attacks. This will help alkalize the body.

• Keep the leg elevated.

• A high fiber diet also aids in the elimination of uric acid by absorbing bile acids formed in the liver. These bile acids can act as a precursor to uric acid.

You see that? Having sex will prevent gout. Well, if just relieving myself of pent up sexual frustration was not enough motivation for me to get laid, now I have another reason. Maybe I could work this into my pick up routine. One might say I am pretty lucky to contract a disease that SEX is a cure for. Maybe the doctor can prescribe me some sex, then the hot nurse would be obliged to lay me. I cant even imagine how they figured this one out. I am convinced that the FDA has a mole working in there who just slips in sex as a cure for diseases when the ladies are not looking. He works with the rastaman who convinced people that smoking weed cures cataract. I am heading to the pub for a bottle of whiskey and 3 lemons. Its going to be another long night...