Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Calamari Rings - Revisited

*I was looking for something on Google when I came across one of my own old posts. This is from back in 2005. Its kind of strange/funny how my writing style has changed. I kind of like this old stuff.

So I heard this joke a while ago. As you know Jewish people are usually circumcised soon after birth. This Rabbi (Jewish Priest) who performs the ceremony is a bit of a collector. Over years and years he has collected thousands of fore skins that he had personally snipped off the penises of little Jewish baby boys. One fine day he walks into an exclusive tailor shop that specializes in leather works. He meets with his friend, the owner of the shop and tells him about his “collection”, at the same time seeking advice on what can be constructed from these foreskins. The tailor instructed the Rabbi to return with his stash ASAP. The Rabbi came the next day carrying a large box containing all the severed fragments of the penises. The eager tailor grabbed the box and ran to the back room yelling back to the Rabbi, “I have got one hell of a plan for you Ishmael!!”

Three weeks later the Rabbi returns to see a very proud looking tailor standing behind the counter. “Gianni you old fool. Wipe that smile of your face and show me what you got for me” he says. The tailor ducked behind the counter and very slowly came up with his eyes transfixed on a small red box that he had balanced carefully on his finger tips. They both kept staring at it even after Gianni set it down on the counter. Ishmael opened the small red box and the look of joy and excitement vanished from his face. “You schmuck! I gave you 10,000 foreskins and all you give me is this lousy wallet??!!” The tailor stood aside patiently and he seemed impermeable to all the insults, curses, and accusations that were flying his way. When the Rabbi finally stopped for a breath in between calling Gianni a good for nothing Italian thief and cursing his whole family, Gianni handed the wallet to the Rabbi. “Ishmael, just hold it. You feel how smooth and smooth the leather is? It is finer than anything I have ever worked with”. “But where is all the skin” the Rabbi argued. “You must have made a hundred of these and you are selling them on EBAY you Guinea fuck”! Gianni gave Ishmael a coy smile and said, “Give it a little rub”. Ishmael rubbed the wallet a few times which caused it to twitch and before their very eyes it grew into a full sized suitcase!! I know, it’s a lame joke. But it brings me to the main point.

I guess if you wanted to, you could split men into 2 categories. Cut and uncut, either you are wearing the leather jacket or you got on your turtle neck sweater. I will take the fist brave step and admit that I have been circumcised. I assume that it was done soon after I was born because I have no recollection of that at all and I think that is something I would not forget. So with that said I can also admit freely that I have little, or in fact, NO exposure to the unclipped Johnson. I do not make a habit of using communal showers nor am I a porn star engaging in orgies and I definitely do not glance down at my neighbor’s privates while standing at a urinal. I don the helmet of the SS with pride. Prince Albert stands at attention.

Growing up I do remember some of my cousins having peckers that looked some what different from mine. At the time (I was only 7) mine looked like a mushroom with a VERY long stem, where as theirs resembled the trunk of an elephant. I found it kind of creepy with all that skin at the tip of it. And I am sure that would look down right freaky on a 7”cock. I know with a circumcised tool, the extra skin bunches up around the base of the head like a tortoise’s neck. And when there is lift off it will just pull and tighten across the shaft. Similarly on a cold day or when your girlfriend scolds you in front of all your mates, you turtles neck can just as easily retreat into its shell. As for the trunk concept, I have no idea.

So I was thinking… What do women really prefer? I think in Indonesian women like a clean, smooth head. That would have a lot to do with culture and religion I guess. I could google this subject till I found numerous opinions and pictures but, no thank you. Not interested yaar. The last thing I need is my staff finding random sites about male sexual organs on my computers. Although I am not a homophobic, the last thing I need is my colleagues getting the wrong impression. Before you know it the rumors will spread around the office and into my house and my mother will pick it up! That would drive her down right, bang your head against the wall and yell why me, crazy. On the other hand however, I would not have to put up with the irritating suggestions that I settle down and get married. But let’s not even go there right now.

I watch as much porn as the next guy and to be honest with you, I do not think I have ever seen a male porn star go au natural. They all seem to be cut back. Is it a cosmetic thing? Do the women prefer it? Is it a hygiene thing? And in that case would circumcision be considered cosmetic surgery? Oh shit. And would insurance cover it? Damn, that would be crazy to get circumcised in your teens or later. Many years ago, a friend’s younger brother got clipped at the age of 14. Not only was it embarrassing as hell for him, it was also down right painful. But what if the women you fell in love with admitted to you that she was not getting maximum pleasure from you because you had not got the knife. Would you do it?

Here are some cool pictures of uhhhhmmm… Tortoises.

This poor guy is stuck in a bowl and he has nothing to look forward to. I call him Limp Biskit. Get it?

Either it is really cold out there or Mr. Tortoise just got chewed out by his woman.

Mr. Tortoise is looking for his mate. As you can see he is very very excited.

Another tortoise spots a fine female in the distance. His neck extends...
Go Mr. Tortoise!! SCORE!!! Mrs. Tortoise looks a bit bored though.

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