Thursday, September 01, 2005


I can never really understand how phone sex works. I remember when I was about 16 years old in London, my mate and I called up a sex line from his house. The first thing they asked was my age. I think I said 25 or something. That seemed really old at the time. She then asked what year I was born in and I froze. I was like, “Uhhhh… 19… 60…2?” Her voice came back, “Sorry love, give us a call in a few years”. London telephone booths are covered with numbers for sex lines. Even British men’s magazines have 4 or five pages dedicated to the numbers in every issue, so getting another number was not a problem. We did the math in advance the next time.

After passing off as an adult the lovely lady connected us off to what seemed like a recording of some lady talking dirty, about how she wants a big cock inside her, she is getting down on her knee’s, and she cant wait to taste me. We listened for a while but it did nothing for me at all. I was kind of disappointed actually. I thought I was gonna hook up. If at this point in my life I were to call a sex chat line it would more likely be to actually talk about life and issues that bother me. Even sexual issues, like therapy, but I doubt I could beat off to some stranger when I don’t even know what she looks like, and the whole thing would just have a totally cheesy feel to it. It is a pretty lonely thing to have to resort to.

On the other hand some couples engage in phone sex. This makes a lot more sense to me. There is actually an emotional exchange taking place and some sense of intimacy. I personally have not found pleasure on this front but I know people in long distance relationships who have only this form of sexual contact to rely on. For long periods of time I might add. I guess this is a healthy way to get your rocks off and it might even lead to a more open line of communication regarding sex between couples. Sometimes, as Gonzo has displayed in the past, randy sms messages prior to a sexual encounter can build up the moment and even set the tone for the action to come.

Cyber Sex makes no sense to me what so ever. It is such an effort to type! How could I possible focus on anything sexual while trying to hammer out 2 words a minute? And with one hand? How? I hear a lot of people talking about this and it was quite a craze a few years ago. I would see all these messages in chat rooms, “Wanna cyber?” I admit I was curious so I did venture. The woman actually sent me a picture of herself pulling her top up. She was a hot young blonde thing, totally voluptuous. And before you say it, I know it was probably some old German dude. But the picture was hot. I typed what I thought to be sexy and she kept typing Oh and Ahh. She told me how she liked it. It all felt very strange but apparently she really enjoyed it and added me to her ICQ. I however quickly blocked her off once I doubted she was even a woman!

What this all really boils down to is talking dirty. Some of you might have been in that situation where your lover leans into your ear and says, “Tell me what your gonna do to me”. Now if you have not disclosed your sexual desires to one another before hand, this situation could go bad very quickly. All it takes are a few wrong words to turn a hot sexy scene into the cold desolate temperature of Siberia. I will be bold and admit that I have been on the receiving end of the “what the fuck you crazy bastard!?” It can prove to be quite embarrassing I tell you. Since then I walk on glass when faced with such situations. Once bitten, twice shy.

Talking dirty can range from the simple “fuck me harder” to “you are my dirty little whore” and “who’s your daddy”. That last one can go terribly wrong as well. Those are extremes but I am sure we all agree that pin drop silence during sex can be quite boring. We need the confirmation moans and the warning uh uh’s. Apparently I am not the only one who has encountered the cold wall on this front and there is an actual “art” to talking dirty, if you can call it that. If you do plan to engage in potty mouth, it might be a good idea to start with this website as guide or this one.


Anonymous said...

You never seem to amaze me bro......keep writing enjoying all of it........


blizzardofoz said... chat lines are really stupid. me and some buddies tried it when we were drunk and still didn't get turned on. finally we had to ditch that and try "Bambi Girls" who sent 2 strippers (ahem..exotic dancers) over to dance for us. That was a LOT better than phone sex! They're not hookers so you can't touch them or have sex, but it's still a much better investment than phone/cyber sex.

Avi said...

Strippers rock!! You have inspited me to re-visit Q Bar tonight. As I did not ingest any booze over the last 2 days.

Avi said...

I went, I saw, and I went back home... Blue balled again.