Monday, June 26, 2006

Blowjob Tips

***If the title did not already enlighten you, this post is filled with what some might consider to be obscenities and vulgarities. It is intended for open-minded readers who are eager to learn. However I can not take credit for this effort as it was composed by my good friend Gonzo. He has recently been frustrated by the kosher and conservative content of my blog. Indo Dreamin’ was also supposed to be a place for experimental writing as well as a travel log but it has somehow lacked in that area recently. You have been warned in advance. All photos are courtesy of Beautiful Agony.

Being a heterosexual male I have gone down on my fair share of women. Some ignorant guys think that it’s degrading to orally satisfy a woman, as is demonstrated in numerous TV shows like The Sopranos. There are still guys like that out there. I just do not get it. Muff diving can be a very enjoyable pastime when performed correctly and it is sometimes the only way to bring a stubborn clitoris into a full blown, 9 on the Richter scale, orgasm. And we all know that sex is not just about receiving but ultimately about giving.



For some reason I feel that there is currently more importance being placed on the elusive female orgasm than there was say, 15 years ago. A couple of influencing factors could be that women are more empowered now then they were 15 years ago, or it could have something to do with more sensitive males. There were no metrosexuals back in the day. Maybe society is just more open minded now with the effects of the media. Shows like Sex in the City and The L Word have somewhat broadened our horizons regarding life and sex.



I know for a fact that many guys now actually probe websites just to figure out how to satisfy a woman. The vagina is an extremely complex organ I tell you. It has so many moving parts and erogenous zones. Even with a detailed map in hand most guys could not find their way around there. And you know how we are about stopping and asking for directions. But like I said, times are changing and most men want to know how to make their lady happy and will go to great lengths to find out how. Ladies… As a gender, WE CARE.



So with that being said, let me get down to what this post is really all about. Blowjobs. It is a common misconception that continues to survive, that all you need to do is stroke a guy a bit, stick his dick in your mouth or any other warm moist place and he will be completely satisfied. Most guys are thinking, ‘stick a beer in my hand, turn on the TV, and life could not get better’. But the truth is ladies, we are also evolving. Just as our simple stick and thrust method is no longer satisfying your needs; your effortless blowjobs just do not cut the bill. A few minutes of bopping your heads up and down in our groins followed by penetration is just not enough damit!



Granted, the penis is a fairly simple organ compared to the vagina. A long shaft with no moving parts it may seem. No folds or soft warm fleshy areas. I mean you don’t need a map or a website to figure this out. Well, apparently you do, so I am taking time out of my hectic schedule to fill you in.



Let me break it down. We have testicles. 2 ping pong like spheres in a silky smooth sack. The next time you are giving your man some head, do not be afraid to reach up and tickle his love nuts. I assure you he will thoroughly enjoy this pleasant surprise. You can practice with these Zen Meditation Balls. And if you read about Zen Balls you would know that fondling balls does have health benefits (it improves blood circulation amongst other things). A little bit of a squeeze here and there might be stimulating for some but remember these are called the family jewels for a reason so treat them with TLC. Some girls actually take the entire ball into their mouths. This can cause some very mixed sensations of pain and pleasure. It does involve a lot of intimacy to get into this but it is worth it.


Girls, I am handing you diamonds here so you should take this very seriously. Now that you have your man aroused it is time to blow. Wrapping your lips around a cock and moving your head up and down does not constitute as a blowjob. You need to incorporate your tongue. Don’t be shy. Think of the penis as a scoop of ice cream and treat it as such, moving up and down along the shaft. And if you like nuts on your ice cream that’s all the better, give them a lick too. You are guaranteed to titillate your man. Do not just stick his dick in our mouth. Tease him.



Of course most guys would enjoy a deep throat when the woman can actually swallow up the entire penis in her mouth by loosening up her throat. Unless he has a really small dick or you are a total porn star, that is not likely to work for you. This would normally cause a gag reflex and it takes time to acquire a skill like this. And we understand that. We are sensitive. If you can not take it all then you can incorporate your hands into the mix by stroking the base of the penis, otherwise know as the 5 hidden inches, while you orally manipulate the head. These are both sensitive areas. Gentle licking and blowing can really drive a guy crazy. ‘No Teeth’ is also another common misconception. A little bit of scraping on the tip of the head can also be quite arousing. Just a little bit.


I am an advocate of safe sex. Some people require a condom to perform oral sex. Personally I do not see the point. It is like going swimming in a dry suit, and in the immortal words of Bob Marley, ‘Don’t jump in the water if you can’t swim’. Flavored condoms taste like shit. And I know this first hand… Why? My curiosity got the best of me. Dick could not possibly taste any worse than that freaky stuff. And if you want a strawberry or a banana go to the fucking supermarket. You don’t see us guys slapping a sheet of cling wrap covered in fruit juice all over your pussy before we get busy. It kills the moment and the sensation. Yes, some whipped cream and chocolate sauce, or a glass of JD on the rocks can enhance the experience, but nothing to totally extinguish the existing textures and flavors should be incorporated. Ice works goooood.



Be creative and communicate. There should be some eye contact, some moaning, and your guy should validate and reinforce your efforts telling you what is feeling good and what does not. It is a learning process and each individual is different. Even while you are working on his shaft allow a free hand to massage his nuts or even reach up and twist a nipple. Find your sensitive spots and get creative. A good blow job should last for 20 to 30 minutes.



With all that being said, you should be able to make your man bust his load quite easily. But the ever tricky issue still persists. Or does it? The answer is clear and simple and the question should never have been raised in the first place. SWALLOW! Some sources say that ingesting semen has no advantageous effects while others point out numerous benefits, such as this source here. You can accept whichever opinion you choose to but the fact remains that there are no drawbacks or harmful effects. Get over it ladies, its only protein.



The sensation a man experiences when you blow him to the point of ejaculation and then continue to suck his penis is indescribable in words. He could thrust around like a young woman reaching her first climax. It would put you in control ladies!!! When performed correctly, this act would bring a man to his knees. He will not be able to walk for hours. And at the end of the day do we not all want to satisfy our partners? What is wrong with giving? So armed with this information, please pay a visit to your loved one and show him the time of his life. Just walk in, push him down on his couch. No words need be spoken, and give him the ride of his life.



And I almost forgot. When you are done, do not forget slide straight up to his face and give him the biggest and juiciest kiss you can muster from your tired and aching jaws. Because if the he can not kiss you in the mouth after what you just did for him, then the son of a bitch does not deserve it.

4 comments:

howtogiveablowjob said...

Hahaha.. I love it. Except for one thing - ladies: do NOT kiss your man on the mouth after such an act. Allow us to return the favor, but don't make your man taste his own cum. Not nice.

I agree with most of the point here though...actually I talk about a lot of the same stuff on my site -- http://www.bjtutorial.com

miund said...

very thorough, very insightful, very informative for girls such as i.

but do share one thing:

where did you get the picture of those guys? LOL LOL LOL

cheers to a brilliant post!

Raquel said...

funny!! ill kiss him if he dosnt kiss me ill kick him in the nuts..lmfao!

Anonymous said...

had my first blow job today... Needs to improve alot lol