Wednesday, April 09, 2008

L'OREAL Duped Me

Just days ago I was praising L'OREAL Men Expert facial products to the high heavens. Not only did I give them the Indo Dreamin’ stamp of approval (which does not come easy), but I also went out and bought kits for my mates to try out, essentially roping in new customers for the bastards, all because I believed in their product and the good intentions of their company. I was recently passing through a duty free store while travelling and numerous agents of other men’s skin care products like BIOTHERME and CLINIQUE accosted me, attempting to discharge their wares upon me, but I thwarted their efforts and asked for the L'OREAL Men Expert Hydra Energetic Anti-Fatigue Moisturizing Lotion by name! And it is one hell of a long name to remember let alone translate into another language for the sales clerk. But of course, I found what I wanted as I always do and duly paid the cashier who secured my purchases in a tightly sealed package that once opened would not be permitted on the aircraft, certifying that I would have to wait till I reached my final destination before I could spread the cool refreshing cream on face.

I cracked into the sleek packaging as soon as I hit my seat on the plane. I made sure none of the flight attendants were watching. I had not shaved in days and ever since 9-11 it is life threatening for men of my composure to board aircrafts in this condition. Men have been sent to Guantanamo Bay for less I tell you. Nonetheless, I needed my fix and no bitch in a scarf and hat with wings on it was gonna stand in my way. Once the monkey settled down I kicked back and examined the packaging through my newly hydrated eye lids, my fingers slowly caressing my now sooth forehead. I noticed some excess packaging material in the base of the box. There were flaps in there that created a false bottom of the package giving the bottle in there the false appearance of being taller than it actually was!!! I stand firmly against any product that makes something look like something it is not, especially the wonder bra and padded panties. I am shocked and traumatized that L'OREAL has gone to such extreme measures to make its Men Expert Hydra Energetic Anti-Fatigue Moisturizing Lotion emerge like it contains more solution than it actually does.

There was another product in the kit, one that I was not yet familiar with. This was a similar lotion specifically designed to remove dark circles or pouches from below one’s eyes. I have never had a problem with bags under my eyes but this, judging by the small size of this tube, I could see it was basically thrown in as a sampler to draw users in. Normally I would force myself to go out for 3 nights on a bender that would take leave me past out on the banks of the river Styx just to develop some dark circles under my eyes only so I could try this puppy out, but after spotting the scam with the previous packaging I scoped this casing in a much more dubious fashion.

On the surface everything seemed kosher. But once I popped the lid off this sucker, things just took a turn towards the nasty. I can’t believe the sons of bitches actually slipped a 2 mm nib into a cap double its size!!! The bottle is already hardly any longer than a pubic hair and now they try to sneak an extra 2 mm in past the goalie? Fucking shameless. Last night I had a dream that I was in a room full of oversized L’OREAL Men Expert Hydra Energetic Anti-Fatigue Moisturizing Lotion bottles. My skin was dried and crumbling. I felt sick and as I lay there on the floor gasping for air I reached out to the bottles begging for some moisturizing relief. They turned to me and a sound of laughter slowly escaped from their nozzles. I felt dejected and mocked. I woke up and grabbed the cup of water from my side table spilling half of it over my covers as I pulled it towards my mouth. Needless to say, I experienced a cold sleepless night on my own suspiciously looking towards the glow of light that sneaked out from under my bathroom door, half expecting to be ambushed by my toiletries kit.

But seriously, this is really what pisses me of about commercial products. You have a great product so sell it for you believe it is worth and make your money. Why do you have to try to make money by changing your packaging to make it look like there is more in there than there actually is? This scam is most obvious with potato chips because you cant really tell how much product is on the bag. I have seen DORITO bags that have windows two thirds of the way up the bag to give the impression that it is full but once you crack the sucker open you see that is exactly where the chips stop and the bullshit starts. I love creative packaging designs like Apple comes up with, but I wonder when the worm really turns for companies. Is there a moment where the CEO or Board of Directors is informed that we are going to make it look like there is more of our product in our packaging than there actually is, when does the head honcho turn around and give the plan the green light? I am sick of products designed for the masses. And I don’t give a fuck how elitist that might sound, because all I am really saying is that I want what the fuck I pay for, not .0005 grams more of plastic or cardboard material. If you want to charge me $100 for a 50ml of facial cream or $5 for 100ml of facial cream, just show me what you got and let me make the fucking the choice. Now I am hooked on this L’OREAL shit and its gonna take me another 3 months to kick the habit. Well, if I could quit all that morphine then I am sure this will be a synch. Whats another monkey on my broad back.

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