Friday, December 01, 2006

She Licked My Chocolate Spider

*Warning! This is not a post about candy or arachnids. If you have any common sense you will stop reading now.

I got a call from my buddy Gonzo last night and the first thing he says to me is, ‘She licked my chocolate spider’. I asked ‘What’? And he repeated, ‘Bubbles. She licked my chocolate spider dude’. I was not at liberty to talk at that particular moment in time because I was with some clients but I was left wondering all night what crazy candy fetish Bubbles has worked on Gonzo now. This afternoon I checked out what the chocolate spider is on Urban Dictionary. I was unpleasantly surprised to find that the chocolate spider is a term used to refer to the anus, otherwise commonly known as the asshole. I think I might have actually said the words ‘chocolate spider’ in front of my clients!!! But once again I have my man Gonzo to thank for educating me. It also seems not only do we have chocolate spiders; we also have caramel and vanilla spiders, the later having gone through some bleaching process, and I am guessing after some serious anal pounding we might even have a strawberry spider?

Since when is ass on the menu? I was just getting used to the fact that some chicks are into anal sex and now this? I am not going to act all naïve here though. I have seen anal fellatio performed in some porno flicks but then again I have also seen women fornicating with farm animals in some porno films. That just does not make it right I tell you. Granted the term ‘chocolate spider’ makes the act sound a lot more endearing than it is but really, it is licking an ass hole, an orphus from which the human body excretes waste. Then again I could also be referring to some peoples mouths. Let’s call it physical waste. This can not possibly be healthy.

I have outlined in my Blowjob Tips what I consider to be proper protocol concerning kissing after oral sex but this isn’t just a different ball park here; it’s a whole new game. There is no way in hell I could kiss a girl, no matter how much I love her, after she has put face to ass on me. And there is also no way I could ever imagine licking anyone’s chocolate, vanilla, caramel, or strawberry spider. Maybe once or twice while I was drunk and fumbling around in the dark trying to eat pussy I might have even gotten close but that does not count. Ignorance is bliss.

I might not be as adventurous as Gonzo but I am no prude either. I will admit that anal stimulation is invigorating and by that I mean some gentle stroking with a slippery finger or even mild insertion. Very mild insertion accompanied by a good blowjob. I can also imagine how titillating a flicking tongue would be on an area as sensitive as the butt hole but I do not know how comfortable I would be with the whole set up. What if she surfaced wearing a Dirty Sanchez? Could I still respect her in the morning? Does a guy just lay there with his legs up in the air like a baby or does he squat over her face, or vice versa of course.

Gonzo has proven once again that I am not as sexually liberated as he is. All I can do for now is wish him and Bubbles all the safe sex and freaky adventures possible, for me to write about. Maybe one day I will also find my Bubbles who will teach me how to fornicate like a pretzel and have orgasms on a planetary scale. Till then it’s just me and my right hand, alone in China.


Anonymous said...

It's called a rim job and is a well known se act in the gay community. It's meant to feel absolutely exquisite. Remember that blow jobs were once known only in the gay community and have since moved into heterosexual couples' ordinary repertoire. rim jobs are not as unusual as you may think. I had a boyfriend who was crazy about the practice. But then he was also into 'watersports'. Suffice to say I left him. Sharpish (NOT my thing at all)

Avi said...

i guess those gay gays really know how to have a good time. as for the watersports, ill stick to wakeboarding.

surri said...

i really can't wait to see Spiderman 3....hahahaha....

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