I got a call from my buddy Gonzo last night and the first thing he says to me is, ‘She licked my chocolate spider’. I asked ‘What’? And he repeated, ‘Bubbles. She licked my chocolate spider dude’. I was not at liberty to talk at that particular moment in time because I was with some clients but I was left wondering all night what crazy candy fetish Bubbles has worked on Gonzo now. This afternoon I checked out what the chocolate spider is on Urban Dictionary. I was unpleasantly surprised to find that the chocolate spider is a term used to refer to the anus, otherwise commonly known as the asshole. I think I might have actually said the words ‘chocolate spider’ in front of my clients!!! But once again I have my man Gonzo to thank for educating me. It also seems not only do we have chocolate spiders; we also have caramel and vanilla spiders, the later having gone through some bleaching process, and I am guessing after some serious anal pounding we might even have a strawberry spider?
Since when is ass on the menu? I was just getting used to the fact that some chicks are into anal sex and now this? I am not going to act all naïve here though. I have seen anal fellatio performed in some porno flicks but then again I have also seen women fornicating with farm animals in some porno films. That just does not make it right I tell you. Granted the term ‘chocolate spider’ makes the act sound a lot more endearing than it is but really, it is licking an ass hole, an orphus from which the human body excretes waste. Then again I could also be referring to some peoples mouths. Let’s call it physical waste. This can not possibly be healthy.
I have outlined in my Blowjob Tips what I consider to be proper protocol concerning kissing after oral sex but this isn’t just a different ball park here; it’s a whole new game. There is no way in hell I could kiss a girl, no matter how much I love her, after she has put face to ass on me. And there is also no way I could ever imagine licking anyone’s chocolate, vanilla, caramel, or strawberry spider. Maybe once or twice while I was drunk and fumbling around in the dark trying to eat pussy I might have even gotten close but that does not count. Ignorance is bliss.
I might not be as adventurous as Gonzo but I am no prude either. I will admit that anal stimulation is invigorating and by that I mean some gentle stroking with a slippery finger or even mild insertion. Very mild insertion accompanied by a good blowjob. I can also imagine how titillating a flicking tongue would be on an area as sensitive as the butt hole but I do not know how comfortable I would be with the whole set up. What if she surfaced wearing a Dirty Sanchez? Could I still respect her in the morning? Does a guy just lay there with his legs up in the air like a baby or does he squat over her face, or vice versa of course.
Gonzo has proven once again that I am not as sexually liberated as he is. All I can do for now is wish him and Bubbles all the safe sex and freaky adventures possible, for me to write about. Maybe one day I will also find my Bubbles who will teach me how to fornicate like a pretzel and have orgasms on a planetary scale. Till then it’s just me and my right hand, alone in China.